| [Opening credits] |
|---|
| | |
| Episode begins in the living room. Tim is sitting in a chair, reading a
newspaper. |
|---|
| | |
| Randy: | [Shouts] Brad! C'mon, let's go! [Randy rollerblades past Tim,
wearing a crash helmet] Hurry up! |
| Tim: | Hey, quiet down. Your Mom's up there trying to write that speech. |
| Randy: | She's been working on that speech for two weeks. [Randy skates
round the room and picks up a plastic gun] When is she gonna
finish? |
| Tim: | Well maybe never if she doesn't get some peace and quiet. |
| Randy: | [Whispering] O.K., O.K., O.K. [Shouts] Brad! [Tim gets up and
comes over to him] |
| Tim: | Shh! Quiet. What're you doing? |
| Randy: | We're going to the park to play "Blade Warriors!" |
| Tim: | "Blade Warriors"? I don't like the sound of that. [Brad enters
from the garage, also on rollerblades, carrying a net] |
| Brad: | I've got the net. Let's go! |
| Tim: | Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. [Tim grabs the end of the net and
pulls Brad back. He swings Brad to the kitchen counter] Wait,
wait, wait here. What's the net for? |
| Brad & Randy: | [Brad & Randy look at each other] Nothing! |
| Tim: | These are not "nothing" faces: [Tim pulls an excited face] This
would be a "nothing" face: [Tim pulls a gormless face] |
| Brad: | Yeah. [Brad skates off and tries to take the net from Tim] |
| Tim: | No, come here. [Tim grabs Brad & Randy and pulls them together.
Jill comes downstairs] |
| Randy: | Whoa! |
| Tim: | You guys wouldn't be thinking of going to the park and snagging
kids in this net, would you? |
| Randy: | Good idea, Dad! |
| Brad: | Yeah! |
| Tim: | Bad idea. The net stays here. [Tim puts down the net] Brad, I buy
safety equipment, I intend for you to use it, alright? [Tim hands
Brad a crash helmet. Tim sniffs Brad] Is that cologne you're
wearing? |
| Brad: | This is the stuff you bought at the car wash. |
| Tim: | That's air freshner! That came with some mud flaps. [Brad puts on
his crash helmet] You smell like a Pina Colada! |
| Randy: | He's wearing it for Jennifer Sudarsky! |
| Brad: | That's- whoa! [Brad chases Randy into the backyard] |
| Tim: | Take care of your brother! [Tim shuts the door after them and
walks back to his chair] Jill, I thought you were working on that
library speech. |
| Jill: | [Jill is opening a bulb packet] Yeah, I came down to get
something to eat, and I noticed the refrigerator light was out.
[Jill removes the new bulb from the packet] |
| Tim: | So? |
| Jill: | So, I happen to think it's very important to have a nice, bright
refrigerator light. [Jill installs the new bulb] |
| Tim: | Jill, you're procrastinating again. |
| Jill: | I am not procrastinating. [Jill looks inside the refrigerator]
Ugh! Look at this refrigerator; it's filthy. I have to clean this
now. [Jill starts taking things out of the refrigerator. Tim gets
up and comes over to her] |
| Tim: | Jill, why did you agree to give this speech? |
| Jill: | Because I wanna give this speech. |
| Tim: | Then why aren't you working on it? |
| Jill: | Because I... had to replace the refrigerator light. [Tim shuts
the refrigerator door] |
| Tim: | Jill, this is an honour. Who was it that raised more than four
thousand dollars for the new -- |
| Jill: | -- seven thousand. |
| Tim: | Seven thousand dollars for the new computer system for the
library? |
| Jill: | I did. |
| Tim: | Who got all the volunteers to go door-to-door to collect money,
including a hundred bucks out of me? |
| Jill: | I did! |
| Tim: | Who's the perfect person for the speech? |
| Jill: | Somebody else! |
| Tim: | Jill, it's just a two-minute speech. |
| Jill: | Yeah, but it's to two-hundred-and-fifty people. [Jill sits down
at the table] |
| Tim: | Y-you're making a lot more out of this than it really is. |
| Jill: | Well, that's easy for you to say. You do this for a living; it
doesn't bother you, y'know. You love attention and you have a big
mouth. [Jill starts eating an apple. Tim sits down next to Jill] |
| Tim: | Look, you don't have to do anything the rest of the day except
breathe and write that speech. I'll keep the boys out of your
hair, I'll handle everything. Just try to go upstairs and finish
the speech. |
| Jill: | Thank you, sweety. |
| Tim: | Got it. [Tim gets up] |
| Jill: | But first I'm gonna clean [Jill gets up] the house cuz it's
really filthy. |
| Tim: | No, no, no. You're not getting off the hook. [Tim grabs Jill] Go
upstairs, write the speech, stop procrastinating. [Tim guides Jill
towards the stairs] I will clean this house top to bottom. |
| Jill: | Do you promise that you won't rewire or blow up anything? |
| Tim: | Why are you so mean to me? |
| Jill: | Do you really think I can... do this thing? |
| Tim: | Yes, of course. You can do anything you want, Jill. Nobody thought
you could land me as a husband, and: [Tim spreads his arms and
grins] |
| Jill: | Well, that's certainly inspirational! [Jill goes upstairs] |
| | |
| Cut to the "Tool Time" set, later that day. |
|---|
| [Tim finishes drilling a panel of wood. He takes off his googles and
lifts the wood off the drill stand] |
| | |
| Tim: | We've cut all of our side panels, and I've just finished drilling
the holes for our dowel joints. [Tim carries the wood to the
workbench, where Al is standing. Tim points at the wood] If I were
to put a hinge right here, Al, we'd have a pretty swinging joint,
wouldn't we? [Tim "toots" and pretends to play a saxaphone. Tim
starts snapping his fingers] Take it, Al. |
| Al: | I don't think so, Tim. |
| Tim: | Anyway, next time, Al and I will show you how to complete the
entire bookcase. And that brings us to the "Tool Time" tip of the
day. [Tim takes off his tool belt] House cleaning. Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, I can hear the guys out there going, [Tim hangs up his tool
belt] "[Grunts] Uh? Get the wife in here, Tim, so she can hear
this." No, no, no, men. [Tim sits down in the chair] House
keeping, house cleaning, house taking care of, is like shop
maintenance. It's for men too. Men, it's the nineties. We should
share [Al is sweeping up] in the house cleaning responsibilities,
right? [The audience doesn't respond] I didn't hear anything. [The
audience still doesn't respond. One person starts to clap,
tentatively] Y'know, I'm judging from the lack of enthusiasm that
you men are disinterested. And maybe it's because they do not
design house cleaning equipment with men in mind? And if they did,
it'd have what? |
| Audience: | More power! |
| Tim: | Yeah! You're darn right more power! [Tim stands up] And maybe a
little style too. How can they expect us to clean a house with
house cleaning equipment that's not designed for us? Oh, the
"Daisy Soft Sweep Decor" series in Harvard's gold! The vacuum
cleaner from hell! What is this all about? I want a man's vacuum
cleaner. How about an Indianapolis 500 version? All burnished
chrome, matt black, analogue gauges, turbo-boost in there. [Tim
pretends to rev the motor] Vrm-vrm-vrm-vrm. More power, it'd suck
the throat out of a parrot! [Grunts] Arr-arr-arr-arr! Arr-arr-arr!
Phew! Maybe, maybe I stepped over the line just a little bit just
then, but I think you get my point. There's nothing wrong with a
man doing housework. I mean, Al does a lot of cleaning around
here. |
| Al: | I do all the cleaning, Tim. |
| Tim: | Yeah, right Al. [Tim puts on his jacket] |
| Al: | But I could use some help. |
| Tim: | We all could, Al! I'm Tim Taylor, I wanna give you a little tip
here: half the dirt in the world is men's; let's clean it up. See
you next time. [Tim & Al leave. The "Tool Time" theme music plays] |
| | |
| Cut to the kitchen, later that day. |
|---|
| [Brad, Randy & Mark are sitting on stools round the kitchen worktop] |
| | |
| Brad: | Come on Dad, we want to go back to the park! I told Bob and
Stinky that we would be back. [Tim enters, wearing rubber gloves
and a tool belt full of cleaning things] |
| Tim: | [In a "cowboy" accent] Well, Bob and Stinky are just gonna have to
wait! Cuz we're gonna clean this house up for your ma. We do that
to support our woman. |
| Brad: | I don't have a woman. |
| Tim: | [In his normal voice] Well, maybe Stinky could set you up with
one! |
| Mark: | I have a woman: Mommy. |
| Randy: | Your Mommy can't be your woman, doofus! |
| Tim: | A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one
out, I tell you! We are gonna clean the house the [Tim hands Brad
& Randy a cloth and window spray each] power way. |
| Brad: | Cleaning the house is a girl's job. |
| Tim: | Hey, hey, hey! We're enlightened men, and enlightened men share
household responsibilities, right? |
| Mark: | What's enlightened? |
| Randy: | It means scared of Mom! |
| Tim: | Cleaning the house can be a lot of fun. This is Dodge City at high
noon. It's very dirty in here. Quick! Get to the windows, boys!
[Brad & Randy jump down from their stools] Cover us! C'mon! Hah!
Hah! [Brad & Randy stand by the windows, ready] Alright, holster
those weapons. On three, give me a quick draw. One, two, three,
clean! [Brad & Randy start cleaning the windows] H'yah! H'yah!
H'yah! [Mark jumps down from his stool] H'yah! [Tim pretends that
he's holding a whip] |
| Mark: | What about me, Dad? |
| Tim: | H'yah! H'yah! |
| Mark: | What do I get to do? |
| Tim: | You get the most important job. You're Sheriff Wyatt Dirt. You've
got to wipe out the Dust Bunny Gang! |
| Mark: | What?! |
| Tim: | Here, hold that. [Tim gives Mark a duster to hold up, and he
sprays it with polish] All loaded. [Tim lays the duster on the
floor] Saddle up, boy! [Tim sits Mark on the duster and then drags
him around by the arms, so that he polishes the floor. Jill
enters] Alriight! Hi, hon. |
| Jill: | Well, you are obviously just playing around. You're not cleaning
the house. |
| Tim: | [Grunts] Ohhhhh! [To Mark] Wait a minute, I see some outlawed dust
vills on the coffee table. Go at it. [Mark runs to the coffee
table. To Brad & Randy] You guys, make sure you get the outside of
the doors. [Tim goes over to Jill in the kitchen] I thought you
were upstairs writing that speech. |
| Jill: | Well, may I please get a soda. [Jill gets a soda] |
| Tim: | Certainly. [Tim checks the food in the oven] |
| Jill: | Ogh! |
| Tim: | Yeah. |
| Jill: | What is that smell? |
| Tim: | Your favorite lunch: beany-weany casserole, huh, touch of spam in
there, beef jerky, potato chip, dressing on top. What d'you think? |
| Jill: | I'll pass. |
| Tim: | How are you doing? |
| Jill: | Oh, I'm fine. Just taking a little break. |
| Tim: | Can I see it? |
| Jill: | [Jill takes her speech off the counter and holds it under her
arm] It's not very good. |
| Tim: | Well, let me see it. Maybe I can help. |
| Jill: | I don't feel like it and you can't make me. |
| Tim: | Let me ask you this: have you gotten past the point where you say,
"Good afternoon, it's a pleasure to be here today"? |
| Jill: | [Jill looks at her speech] Can I use that? |
| Tim: | [Tim starts cleaning the cabinets] You haven't written your first
line yet? |
| Jill: | Yes, but yours is better. [Jill sits down on the worktop and
rewrites her first line] |
| Tim: | What the hell have you been doing up there? |
| Jill: | I just feel self-conscious getting up in front of a group of
people. |
| Tim: | You don't like the way you look? |
| Jill: | What's wrong with the way I look? [Tim thinks carefully] |
| Tim: | Nothing, that was just a question. |
| Jill: | Why was that the first question you asked? |
| Tim: | Alright, here's another first question: are you so attractive and
thin that you're afraid to go up in front of people? |
| Jill: | So what're you saying? I'm fat and ugly? |
| Tim: | [Short pause] I'm not gonna win at this, am I? |
| Jill: | It's not looking good. O.K., look, give me that, uh, first line
[Jill gets off the worktop] again. Good afternoon,... |
| Tim: | It's a pleasure to be here today. |
| Jill: | It's a pleasure to be here today. [Jill goes towards the stairs] |
| Tim: | Oh, wait, wait. I think I've got the last line for you: thank you
very much. It's been a pleasure being here today! [Jill goes
upstairs] |
| | |
| Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom, later that day. |
|---|
| [Jill is rehearsing her speech] |
| | |
| Jill: | Good afternoon, it's a pleasure to be here today. Oh, it's not!
[Jill sits on the bed] I think I'll just take a nap. [Jill lies
down. There is a knock at the door] Who is it? |
| Randy: | [From outside] It's me, Mom. [Jill sits up] |
| Jill: | Oh, come in Randy. [Randy peers round the door] |
| Randy: | I, er, just wanted to see how you were doing. |
| Jill: | [Jill holds out her arms] Come and give me a hug. [Randy enters
and hugs her] Mmm, I'm much better now. [Jill kisses him] |
| Randy: | I've got a great joke for you. You can use it in your speech if
you want. |
| Jill: | Oh, O.K. Shoot. |
| [Randy wanders round the room, with his hand to his forehead,
thinking] |
| Randy: | O.K., I've got it. If a snake married an undertaker, what would
their towels say? |
| Jill: | A snake and an undertaker. I don't know. What? |
| Randy: | Hiss and hearse! [Randy & Jill laugh. Randy slaps his hand
against the wall] |
| Jill: | That's good. That's really good. Maybe I can work it into the
beginning of my speech. |
| Randy: | Hiss and hearse! |
| Jill: | Y'know -- [Brad enters] |
| Brad: | [Shouting] -- Randy! |
| Jill: | I was having trouble getting started with this. [Randy lies on
the bed, next to Jill] |
| Brad: | What're you doing in here? You're supposed to be downstairs
helping me get finished dusting. |
| Randy: | I'm just up here telling Mom a joke. I'm being a good son. |
| Brad: | Bull, you're just trying to stay out of work. [Randy gets off the
bed and Brad comes over to him] |
| Randy: | Am not. |
| Brad: | Are too. |
| Randy: | Am not. |
| Brad: | Are too. [Brad & Randy start banging their chests together] |
| Randy: | Am not. |
| Brad: | Are too. |
| Randy: | Am not. |
| Brad: | Are too. |
| Randy: | Am not. |
| Brad: | Are too. [Jill whistles loudly. They stop squabbling] That was
pretty good, Mom. |
| Jill: | Now, I'm not gonna finish this unless you stop interupting me. |
| Randy: | I was just trying to help. |
| Brad: | Kissing up, huh? |
| Randy: | Am not. [Brad & Randy start pushing each other's shoulders] |
| Brad: | Are too. |
| Randy: | Am not. |
| Brad: | Are too. |
| Randy: | Am not. |
| Brad: | Are too. |
| Jill: | Enough! [Jill separates them] Enough. Now, how's your Dad doing
with all that house cleaning? |
| [Brad & Randy look at each other] |
| Randy: | [Quickly] O.K! |
| Brad: | Yeah, O.K. |
| Jill: | I don't like the looks of that look. What's going on? |
| Brad: | Er, nothing. |
| Randy: | Dad's not doing anything. |
| Jill: | What exactly is Dad not doing? |
| Brad: | He's not rewiring the vacuum! [Jill jumps off the bed and rushes
towards the door. Brad & Randy try to hold her back] |
| Brad & Randy: | Mom! |
| | |
| Cut to the living room. |
|---|
| [Jill enters, followed by Brad & Randy. Tim & Mark are sitting at the
kitchen worktop, having a drink] |
| | |
| Jill: | Tim! |
| Tim: | Finished your speech? [Jill comes over to Tim and looks around] |
| Jill: | Where is it? |
| Tim: | [Short pause] You know where it is. Same place it's always been!
[Tim laughs. Jill smiles. Tim & Mark toast their drinks] |
| Jill: | I'm serious. Where is the vacuum cleaner? |
| Tim: | Oh, you mean the Daisy Soft Sweep Decor model in burnt almond. |
| Jill: | That's the one. |
| Tim: | I think you're gonna like what we did. [Tim gets up] Mark, plug
her in. [Mark gets down and runs over to the vacuum cleaner. Tim,
Jill, Brad & Randy follow. Tim & Brad sit on the couch. Jill &
Randy stand round. Mark plugs it in. Tim picks up the hose] |
| Jill: | Well, that doesn't look too bad. |
| Tim: | On the outside, it, it maintains that feminine allure. On the
inside, I've doubled its chromosome count. |
| Jill: | Did you rewire it? |
| Tim: | I tweaked it. [Tim switches on the vacuum cleaner and starts
cleaning the couch] |
| Jill: | Well, it sounds the same. |
| Tim: | That's because it's in the whisper mode for light cleaning. You
wanna get the deep down dirt, we turn to the new power suck mode. |
| [Tim switches another switch on the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum sound
gets deeper. All the papers fly across the room. Mark is pulled
horizontal, hanging on to the door handle. Jill runs over to him to
help him down] |
| | |
| [Commercial break] |
|---|
| | |
| Cut to the backyard, later that day. |
|---|
| [Tim is tidying up. Randy enters] |
| | |
| Tim: | I thought you guys were staying in the park? |
| Randy: | Jennifer left so Brad didn't wanna stay. [Brad enters] |
| Tim: | Guess the car air freshner wasn't a big hit, huh? |
| Brad: | She said I smell like her dog after he had a shampoo. |
| Randy: | Woof! Woof! [Randy runs inside. Brad chases after him] |
| Tim: | Hey, Brad! Brad! Brad, come here. Come here. [Brad goes over to
Tim] Tell me what happened. |
| Brad: | I think she likes me. |
| Tim: | How d'you know? |
| Brad: | She hit me in the arm. Twice! |
| Tim: | Hard? |
| Brad: | Yeah! |
| Tim: | You're in, dude! [Tim & Brad do a "handshake"] |
| Brad: | Yeah! [Brad goes inside] |
| [Wilson is chiselling out a log. Tim goes over to the fence] |
| Tim: | Hey Wilson! |
| Wilson: | Hmm. |
| Tim: | What're you doing? |
| Wilson: | Just carving out a canoe, Tim. |
| Tim: | [Tim peers throught the fence] Sounds hard. |
| Wilson: | Not really Tim. You just take a big block of wood and chip
away everything that's not a canoe. |
| Tim: | Hey Wilson, are you afraid of speaking in public? |
| Wilson: | Well, to be honest with you Tim, I don't go out in public. |
| Tim: | [Short pause] Oh. Jill's gotta give a speech today and she's
really concerned about it. |
| Wilson: | Hmm-hmm. Perfectly natural. |
| Tim: | It's not natural. I like speaking in public. |
| Wilson: | Hmm. |
| Tim: | I talk all the time. Sometimes I get in conversations with people
I don't even know. I mean, I'll talk and talk and talk. Sometimes
I'll -- |
| Wilson: | -- Tim. |
| Tim: | What? |
| Wilson: | I get the point. |
| Tim: | Well, I wanna help her out. I just wonder what she's so concerned
about, speaking in public. |
| Wilson: | Well, she's probably just afraid of appearing foolish in
public. I believe it was Samuel Clemens who said -- |
| Tim: | -- who? Samuel Clemens? |
| Wilson: | Well, you would know him better as Mark Twain. |
| Tim: | Ah! |
| Wilson: | But that was just a pseudonym, a sobriquet. |
| Tim: | Of course. A pseudonym sobriquet. Spell one of those, pick one,
just. |
| Wilson: | Let's just say pen name, Tim. |
| Tim: | O.K. |
| Wilson: | Anyway, he said, "Better to have people think you're a fool
then to open your mouth and remove all doubt." [Wilson chuckles
to himself] Ah, ah. My, my, my, my, my. A-huh. What d'you think
about that, Tim? [Tim opens his mouth but doesn't say anything]
Tim? |
| | |
| Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom. |
|---|
| [Jill is sitting on the bed with the sock drawer, rearranging the
socks] |
| | |
| Jill: | B-L-A before B-L-U. Blue, blue, brown. The R, that's easy. Brown,
brown,... [Tim enters with a cup of tea] |
| Tim: | Hi. |
| Jill: | Hi. |
| Tim: | I made you some tea. |
| Jill: | Oh, well thank you. [Jill picks up her speech] |
| Tim: | How's it going? |
| Jill: | It's going great. I was just working on my speech. Uh... [Tim
gives Jill her tea] |
| Tim: | I can see that. |
| Jill: | Yeah. |
| Tim: | Y'know Jill, I think I've got the problem licked. [Tim puts the
sock drawer away] Best summed up by this wonderful quote, "It is
better not to open your mouth and appear foolish, then to open it
and fool them!" [Tim nods at this. Jill looks confused] |
| Jill: | Thank you honey. That's, that's a, that's a big help. |
| Tim: | It's Mark Twain. |
| Jill: | Y'know, I just don't know anything about giving a speech. I don't
even know what to do with my hands. |
| Tim: | [Tim has his hands in his jeans' pockets] Well, put them in your
pockets. [Jill gets off the bed and goes over to some dresses] |
| Jill: | Well, what if I wear this dress. It doesn't have any pockets. |
| Tim: | Hey! Nice looking! Well, put them down at your sides. [Tim puts
his arms down by his sides. Jill copies him] But don't itch at
yourself like that. |
| Jill: | How's this? |
| Tim: | You look like a totem pole! Loosen up, c'mon, loosen up. Do this.
[Tim wobbles about. Jill copies him] Do it. [Tim sits down on a
chair] |
| Jill: | I don't think this is gonna help, Tim. |
| Tim: | You're right, but it's fun watching you do that! [Jill stops
wobbling] |
| Jill: | Tim. [Jill lies down on the bed] |
| Tim: | Don't think of the audience as a group. When I first did "Tool
Time," I was petrified. So I tried to visualize it as just one
person. |
| Jill: | The first time you did "Tool Time," there was just one person! |
| Tim: | That's not my point. I tried to visualize that person as being in
their underwear. |
| Jill: | He was in his underwear! |
| Tim: | He was not! |
| Jill: | Ohh-uh-huh-huh. |
| Tim: | This speech isn't the problem. What is going on here? |
| Jill: | Tim, I'm going to be standing up there in front of 250 people.
That's 500 eyes watching me, 500 ears listening to me. |
| Tim: | Ugh. That's a thousand organs. No wonder you're nervous. |
| Jill: | Y'know, I am the only speaker. [Jill stands up] And by standing
there, it's like I'm saying that I'm the most important person in
the room. |
| Tim: | Well, you are. [Tim stands up and walks over to Jill] |
| Jill: | Well, I don't feel like it. I mean, [Jill sits down on a stool]
it's not like I'm the president of anything. I-I-I don't run a
corporation, uh, I'm not a celebrity. I'm just your wife and Brad
and Randy and Mark's mother. |
| Tim: | You're the chairperson of the most successful money laundering --
[Tim sits down on a chair next to Jill] |
| Jill: | [Jill laughs] -- fund raising! |
| Tim: | Fund raising drives in library history. You're CEO of this family,
y-you're my career manager, and you're a life manager. |
| Jill: | Life manager. |
| Tim: | You manage to live your life with me! |
| Jill: | I should get an award for that! |
| Tim: | You should get an award for the money that you got. [There is a
knock at the door] Come on in. [Mark enters, with a milkshake] |
| Mark: | Here Mommy, I made you a milkshake. |
| Jill: | Oh, thank you honey. [Jill goes over to Mark] Well, it looks
like, [Jill takes the milkshake] what did you put in there? |
| Mark: | Peanut butter and jelly. [Jill looks at Tim] |
| Tim: | Go ahead. |
| Jill: | [Jill tries the milkshake] Hmm-hmmm. Terrific and thick. [Tim
laughs. Jill walks back over to Tim, and Mark follows her] |
| Mark: | Have you finished your speech? |
| Jill: | Hmm-yes. |
| Mark: | Can I hear it? |
| Tim: | She doesn't feel like it right now. |
| Mark: | C'mom Mommy. You always make me show you my homework. |
| Jill: | Well, you're right, I do. O.K., O.K., fair is fair. |
| Tim: | You're sure you feel like doing this? |
| Jill: | Yeah, yeah, I'll just picture you two in your underwear! |
| [Mark starts undoing his belt] |
| Tim: | No, don't take off your pants! It's just a technique! |
| [Mark lies on the bed, and Tim sits down next to him. Jill stands in
front of them] |
| Jill: | O.K. [Jill clears her throat] Are you ready? |
| Tim: | Yep. |
| Jill: | Good afternoon, it's a pleasure to be here today! |
| Tim: | [To Mark] I wrote that. [Jill laughs] |
| Mark: | It's very good. |
| Jill: | O.K., O.K. As you all know, the library is the cornerstone of a
good education. Books contain ideas which can shape our planet,
and let's face it, right now our planet is badly out of shape!
[Jill waits for Tim's reaction] |
| Tim: | Shape and out of shape, I love it! That's good! It is. |
| Jill: | Yeah? Well, it's easy in front of you and Mark. I know you guys.
[Jill sits down] |
| Tim: | Well, pretend, like, we're the library association. |
| Jill: | Nah, most of them are women. |
| Tim: | O.K., we'll be women! [Tim stands up] Mark, come over here for a
minute. [Tim goes over to Jill's dressing table] |
| Jill: | What?! [Mark goes over to Tim] |
| Tim: | Here, these go with your hair! [Tim hands Mark a pair of clip-on
earrings] Oh, and these are me! [Tim holds another pair of
earrings to his ears and looks in the mirror] Look at that! |
| Jill: | Tim, what're you doing? [Mark puts on the earrings. Tim takes
down two hats] |
| Tim: | We are supporting our woman by being women! [Tim puts one of the
hats on Mark. Tim & Mark sit on the chest at the end of the bed.
Tim puts on the other hat. Jill laughs] Mark, you don't do this
outside the house, O.K? |
| Mark: | O.K. |
| Jill: | Tim, please, you really don't have to do this. |
| Tim: | [In a high voice] There's no Tim here anymore! My name is L'ouch!
[Tim puts on his earrings. Jill laughs] My, my name is Linda, and
this is my good friend, Rose. |
| Mark: | [Mark holds out his hand] Hi Mommy! |
| Jill: | [Jill shakes Mark's hand] Well, hello Rose. [Jill stands up]
Hello Ouch! |
| Tim: | [In a high voice] Hello. [Jill laughs] Well, please get on with
your speech. We're all a-flutter. [Mark holds up his hands. Tim
crosses Mark's legs and places his hands on his knees. Tim then
crosses his own legs and places his hands on his knees] |
| Jill: | O.K., O.K. The only way to get our planet back into shape is to
exercise our minds. By upgrading and modernizing our library, we
can do that- [Tim is pulling an "enthralled" face. Jill laughs
and slaps him with the speech] |
| Tim: | [To Mark. In a high voice] Look how she gets us involved! I love
this! |
| Jill: | Your generous dollars have made that possible and I hope that you
will continue to give in the future. And it goes on from there. |
| Tim: | [In a high voice] Bravo! [Tim & Mark clap] Bravo! Give her a wave!
[Tim flaps his hands. Mark lies back on the bed] Isn't she the
most spectacular speaker you've ever seen? |
| Jill: | It is O.K., isn't it? [Jill sits down] |
| Tim: | [In a high voice] It's marvellous, hon. It's marvellous. |
| Jill: | No, I'm serious. I mean, it actually makes sense. |
| Tim: | It's terrific, it is. |
| Jill: | Are you just saying that? |
| Tim: | No, it's good. |
| Jill: | So, it was good but not terrific? |
| Tim: | [Short pause] No, it. That's the same, isn't it? |
| Jill: | No, no, no, no, no. Good means that it's O.K. Terrific means that
I'd be a fool not to give this speech. |
| Tim: | You would be a fool not to give this speech. |
| Jill: | [Jill takes a deep breath] O.K. then. I'll give it. [Jill stands
up] Thank you, Linda. [Jill gives Tim a kiss. Mark sits up] Thank
you, Rose. [Jill gives Mark a kiss] |
| Tim: | [To Mark. In a high voice] Hmm-hmm-hmm. Hmm-hmm. [Mark lies down
again] Rather unprofessional to kiss us like that, wasn't it? Do
you suppose that's her real hair color? Man, I don't think so.
Look at the roots! Ever got some phlegm caught in your throat, you
can't get it out? You just don't see old women going like this, do
you? [Tim pretends to spit] |
| | |
| Cut to the "Tool Time" set, backstage, later that day. |
|---|
| [Al is looking out at the audience, waiting for Tim to arrive. Tim
enters] |
| | |
| Tim: | I'm here. |
| Lisa: | O.K. Tim. You're on in one minute. [Jill & Mark enter] |
| Al: | Where've you been, Tim? [Tim sits down at the dressing table] I was
getting worried. |
| Mark: | We were watching Mommy give her speech. |
| Tim: | She wowed them at the library. |
| Jill: | Yeah, I did alright. How are you, Al? [Mark sits down] |
| Al: | Alright, Jill. [Tim starts putting on his make-up] |
| Tim: | You wowed them. They asked you back for next year already. |
| Jill: | Oh God, I don't wanna think about that. [Al sits down next to
Mark] |
| Al: | Hiya Mark. How are you? |
| Mark: | Good. |
| Al: | Do anything fun this weekend? |
| Mark: | Daddy and I dressed up like women! [Al looks at Tim] |
| Al: | Oh really. |
| Tim: | It's not like it sounds, Al. |
| Mark: | Daddy had Mommy's hat on and we both wore earrings. |
| Al: | Well of course. Earrings would complete the ensemble! |
| Stage Manager: | Music! Stand by! Here we go everybody! |
| [The "Tool Time" music starts] |
| Tim: | It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al. |
| Al: | Well, maybe next time, Tim. [Tim & Al head towards the set] |
| Lisa: | Does everyone know what time it is? |
| Audience: | It's "Tool Time!" |
| | |
| CREDITS |
|---|
| | |
| Cut to the living room. |
|---|
| [Outtake from vacuum cleaner scene. Tim is sitting on the couch with
the vacuum cleaner. Tim switches it on. All the papers get sucked
across the room. Mark is lifted horizontally, and he hangs onto the
door handle. Mark starts swinging from side-to-side, and he has
trouble hanging on. Jill rushes over to him and holds onto him. Jill
lets go of Mark, and a member of staff comes over to help him down
from the wires] |
| | |
| THE END |
|---|
