| Episode begins at the "Tool Time" set, in the Binford Corner. Tim and Al
slide into shot to the Binford music. Tim is holding a set of cards. |
|---|
| | |
| Tim: | Hi, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant Al "This
Land is" Borland. [Short pause. Al considers the name] Today we're
talking about Binford's new hi-tech security alarm systems for cars.
Because a secure car is a happy car. [Tim shows the first card. It is a
picture of a car with its radiator "smiling"] While a car that isn't
so secure [Tim shows the second card. It is the same car with the
radiator in a "sad expression." Its wheels are on blocks] can cost you
thousands of dollars in therapy treatment. [Tim turns round and puts
the cards down on the bench behind him] |
| Al: | And the most inexpensive way to protect your car is with the "Binford 61
Hundred Steering Wheel Lock." [Al picks up the lock from the bench] |
| Tim: | It's a good lock, Al, but if you have a large car, monster truck, front
end loader, or a space shuttle, [Tim reaches behind the display and
brings out a huge lock] you want the "Binford 61-Million." Now there's a
lock. [Tim turns the lock towards the camera] Look at the size of that
thing, look. |
| Al: | Well, if you wanna go the more sophisticated route-- |
| Tim: | [Tim puts the lock back behind the display] --you might [Al turns to
the bench] wanna watch [In a sophisticated voice] "Masterpiece Tool
Time" [Al turns back round with a box] with your host Alistair
Bore-land. [Tim pulls a face. Short pause] |
| Al: | Would that be an English accent? [Short pause] I was talking more along
the lines of an electric car alarm. The most basic of which will go off
if your doors or windows are tampered with. |
| Tim: | Right. But you can customize, [Tim is holding a car alarm remote] you
can have automatic door locks, [Tim points the remote and locks are
heard closing] ignition cut off, gas cut off. [Al turns to put the box
back on the bench and Tim points the remote at Al's backside] And not a
moment too soon. [Tim pulls a face. Short pause. Tim wafts in front of
his face. Al turns back and Tim tries to look innocent] |
| Al: | Oh good. Very funny. I'm sure, I'm sure our nursery school viewers are
rolling in their sandboxes. |
| Tim: | [Tim turns to Al and hisses at him] Haaaa. Now if you wanna go
whole-hog, y- [Tim looks at Al] n- [Tim walks to a car] you probably
want the "Binford Thief-Buster 1000." It has a personalized voice
warning system. I installed it on this pony myself. [Tim points to the
car, turns on the alarm and walks away. To Al] Act like a thief. |
| [Al moves to the car in a "suspicious" way. He tries the door. The alarm
starts beeping] |
| Tim's recorded voice: | Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man! [Al
runs back to Tim] Back away, Flannel Man! Back way,
Flannel Man! [Tim points towards the camera] Back... |
| | |
| [Opening credits] |
|---|
| | |
| Cut to the "Tool Time" set, backstage, after the show. |
|---|
| [Tim is putting on his coat, ready to leave. Tim walks to Al at the bench] |
| | |
| Tim: | Well, I made the car alarm a little less sensitive. Now only big
flies set it off. [Tim looks around and sees an audience coming in]
What's going on? |
| Al: | It's the "Cooking with Irma" audience. They're starting a little early.
[The crew starts to change the set] In fact, do you wanna give me a
hand. [Tim and Al push the bench out of the way] |
| Tim: | No-one told me about this. |
| Al: | Looks like they're bringing in the set, also. |
| [The set is brought in. Tim and Al walk through the door onto the set where
Irma is getting ready] |
| Tim: | Hey, Irma! [Irma turns to Tim and Al] |
| Irma: | Oh, hi guys! |
| Al: | Hi. Well, what's cooking? |
| Irma: | Uh, well, I'm just making up a batch of my ratatouille. |
| Tim: | Really. How many parts rat, how many parts [In a high pitch voice]
ta-touille? |
| Irma: | Oh Timothy, I just love your delightful insouciance. Al, would you
like a taste? [Irma lifts off the pot lid] |
| Al: | I thought you would never ask. [Irma laughs. Tim picks up a prop cake.
It's glued to its base] |
| Tim: | You bake this, Irma? [Tim puts the cake back] |
| Al: | [Al tastes the ratatouille] Ou, boy! Do I detect a hint of tarragon and
a soupçon of oregano? |
| Irma: | Oh, very good Al! [Irma and Al laugh] |
| Al: | Well, I use that in my own ratatouille. |
| Tim: | A-ha. All you gals have so much in common. |
| Irma: | I have just had some wonderful news. I just found out that my daughter
has had a beautiful baby girl! |
| Tim & Al: | Congratulations! [Al shakes Irma's shoulders] |
| Irma: | Oh! |
| Al: | Congratulations! |
| Irma: | I just can't believe that my sweet radish has a little cabbage of her
own! |
| Tim: | Where did the cabbage get delivered? A salad bar? |
| Irma: | Oh Timothy, you are incorrigible. Anyway, I'm going to be gone until
next Sunday [Irma gets a pot out of the oven] and I was wondering if I
could impose on you to fill in for me? [Tim and Al exchange looks]
Y'know, be Irma for a week? Hu-huh. |
| Al: | Irma for a week?! |
| Tim: | I-I don't know, uh. |
| Al: | Oh, oh, now come on Tim, Irma needs our help. Her, her radish just had a
cabbage! [Irma laughs. Al stares at Tim] |
| Tim: | Well, when you put it like that, Al. Hmm. I could host it, we could
have that spam casserole. Al could assist me. |
| Irma: | Oh well, ah. Y'know, as a matter of fact, since Al is such a wonderful
cook, [To Tim] I was hoping that he would host it and that, er, you
would assist him. [Irma smiles sweetly at Tim] |
| Tim: | I-ah, I, I don't, I really don't think Al would be comfortable with
that. He's been-- |
| Al: | I would love the opportunity. In fact, you might say I would "relish"
it! |
| Irma: | Oh, relish, oh! [Irma pats Al and laughs] Al! I just admire your
joie-de-vive, hu-huh. |
| Tim: | That's French for "big butt-crack," isn't it? |
| [Al and Irma turn to look at Tim. Tim holds up his hand in apology] |
| | |
| Cut to the family room, later that day. |
|---|
| [Jill is sitting at the table. Randy and Mark return home from school] |
| | |
| Mark: | Hey Mom. |
| Randy: | Hey Mom. |
| Jill: | Hey kids, how was school? |
| [Mark comes over to Jill carrying a large envelope] |
| Mark: | Great. We got our class pictures back. [Mark takes his picture out of
the envelope and shows it to Jill] |
| Jill: | Oh good! Let me see. Where are you? |
| Mark: | Third one from the right. |
| Jill: | You're a little Asian girl? [Randy hangs up his coat and takes his
envelope out of his bag] |
| Mark: | Oh, I meant the left. [Randy comes over] |
| Jill: | Oh! You look so cute! |
| Mark: | Thanks mommy. |
| Jill: | You look great. [To Randy as he walks past] Randy, wait. Let me see
yours. [Randy turns back to Jill] |
| Randy: | I look like a total dork. |
| Jill: | Oh yeah. [Randy takes his picture out of the envelope] Right. C'mon.
Let me see it. Where are you? |
| Randy: | Well. [Randy points at the picture and sits down next to Jill] |
| Jill: | [Looks at the picture and laughs] Well, you look very cute for
someone who's looking at the girl next to him with his tongue hanging
out. [Jill copies the expression] |
| Randy: | [Randy smiles at Jill] Yeah. Her name's Beth. Jeremy says I should
ask her to go steady. |
| Jill: | Really? [Randy nods] Does she... feel the same way about you? |
| Randy: | I don't know. I've never talked to her. |
| Jill: | [Short pause] Well then, asking her to go steady may be a- a bit of a
leap. |
| Randy: | What should I say to her? |
| Jill: | Well, you could say something like: "Hello." |
| Randy: | [Considering this] Yeah. "Hello." [Randy stands up and imagines that
he's talking to Beth] That's good. "Hello Beth." No. Maybe [Randy
looks at Jill and then looks back] "Hi Beth." Or maybe "Hi" and no
"Beth," I mean [Randy turns to Jill] she knows who she is, right?
[Jill nods] Right? |
| Jill: | Right, right! [Jill puts her hand on Randy's shoulder and laughs]
Will you relax! Sit down. Here. [Randy sits down] Um, pretend that I'm
Beth, y'know, so talk to me. |
| Randy: | [Sighs] I don't know what to say. |
| Jill: | Tell me I'm pretty. |
| Randy: | Are you Mom or Beth? [Short pause. Jill looks at Randy] |
| Jill: | Does it matter? |
| Randy: | You're pretty Beth... and Mom. |
| [Jill smiles] |
| | |
| Cut to the "Cooking with Irma" set, backstage, Monday (3 days later). |
|---|
| [Al is standing in front of a mirror, sorting out his chef's suit. Tim
approaches] |
| | |
| Tim: | [In a squeaky voice] Well, I'm ready for my cooking debut. Al,
something smells wonderful back here. [Tim sniffs his armpit]
Goodness, it's me! |
| Al: | Tim, the show is about to begin. Now, are you wearing an apron? |
| Tim: | [In his normal voice. Tim puts on an apron] Brought it from home. [The
apron says "You Kill 'em. We Grill 'em." on it] |
| [Cut to the front of the set. Heidi is standing there, wearing a chef's
hat] |
| Heidi: | Does everybody know who's in the kitchen? |
| Audience: | Irma! |
| Heidi: | That's right. It's "Cooking with Irma" with special guest chef, Al
Borland. |
| [Heidi steps away, clapping. Al enters the kitchen. Tim follows] |
| [The "Cooking with Irma" theme music] |
| Al: | Thank you Klaus! Thank you Heidi! That's right, I'm Al "The Food Man"
Borland, and you all know my assistant Tim "Doesn't Know Gumbo from
Dumbo" Taylor. [Short pause. The audience laughs] |
| Tim: | Not so. [Tim hands Al a flannel apron which Al puts on] Dumbo, of
course, is a pachyderm, gumbo is a flexible green guy that rides pokey.
[The audience doesn't laugh] |
| Al: | Okay, well. Today [Tim looks uncomfortable] we are cooking Cajun style
and that means "gumbo." Now, one of the most important ingredients in
gumbo is-- [Al lifts the lid off a pan] |
| Tim: | --gum, lots of gum. Just take it off the bottom of tables and-- |
| Al: | Tim. That would be okra. |
| Tim: | Okra! From the great state of Okra-homa! [The audience doesn't laugh]
It's a joke. Half-state, half-vegetable. Like Arken-slaw. [The audience
doesn't laugh. To Al] There's no sense making jokes about food, is
there? |
| Al: | Now, ha, ha, ha, the wonderful thing about [Tim starts slicing a
courgette] gumbo is that in addition to your vegetables, and your spices,
[Al pours various bowls of food into the pot] you can throw just about
anything into the pot. [Tim drops a whole courgette into the pot] |
| Tim: | Y'know, if we put Al's mom in the pot, we'd have Jumbo Gumbo. [The
audience doesn't laugh] But you'd have to know Al's mom to get that
joke. She's a large, angry woman... like so many you out there today.
[The audience doesn't look impressed] |
| Al: | Alright, well. [Al stirs the pot] Getting back to our Cajun cooking, [Al
sprinkles in some more ingredients] do you think that they call it Cajun
cooking because you cook it in a cage? [The audience laughs] |
| Tim: | Oh, c'mon! You thought that was funny but you didn't like Okra-homa?
[The audience gives Tim a hard stare] |
| Al: | Er, Tim, why don't you be a big help and take the tops off those
peppers. Now, Cajun cooking is distinguished by using a lot of [Tim
bites the top off a pepper] very hot peppers. And, um-- [Tim rushes to
the cold tap] |
| Tim: | A-huh-huh-ha. |
| Al: | As Tim has just de-demonstrated here, if you happen to bite into a
pepper, you wanna drink plenty of milk [Al picks up a bottle of milk]
never water. [Tim spits out the water] |
| Tim: | Oh! Oh! [Al hands Tim the bottle of milk which Tim starts to drink] |
| Al: | Water will only make it worse. Or you can bite into a piece of bread.
[Tim grabs some bread] But not Jalapeño Bread. [Tim spits out the bread
and drinks the milk again] |
| | |
| Cut to the "Cooking with Irma" set, backstage, after the show. |
|---|
| [Al is giving out autographs and talking with the audience] |
| | |
| Al: | Night Mrs. McDowell. Thank you for coming Mrs. Yosay. And remember the
weather report from the kitchen, "chill today, hot tomalli." [The ladies
laugh with Al] |
| [The ladies leave and Al runs to Tim on the set] |
| Al: | Hey! They loved me. |
| Tim: | They hated me. [Al starts tidying up] |
| Al: | Well, you started off a little rocky, but once you were in too much pain
to talk, boy pff, the show really took off. |
| Tim: | I think I might take off, and I don't wanna do this tomorrow. |
| Al: | What are you talking about? |
| Tim: | C'mon Al, you don't need me here. You cook well enough by yourself and
I'm just a burden. Who- y'know, how many guys does it take to lift a
radish? |
| Al: | Oh, now, c'mon. We, we promised Irma, a-a-and besides, tomorrow I'm
going to be cooking poultry and, and I'm gonna need some help. |
| Tim: | Why don't you get one of your blue-haired groupies to help you out? |
| Al: | I get it. Uh-ha. I see what it is. You're just jealous because now I'm
the star. |
| Tim: | The star. You're just guest-hosting a cable cooking show. |
| Al: | Yeah, well, hu-huh, I know why you're backing out. It's just because
you're not the center of attention. [Short pause] |
| Tim: | I just don't like being your dopey side-kick. You know how demeaning
that is? [Al turns to look at Tim] Don't look at me like that. This is
not like "Tool Time." |
| Al: | Oh, no, no, this is not like "Tool Time" because you're the star and I'm
the dopey side-kick. |
| Tim: | I've never used the word "side-kick." [Al stops and looks at Tim. Tim
looks away] |
| | |
| [Commercial break] |
|---|
| | |
| Cut to the family room, later that day. |
|---|
| [Randy is sitting at the table. Jill is working in the kitchen. Brad enters
from the backyard] |
| | |
| Brad: | Hey Randy, wait till you hear this. I talked to Ashley and, uh, Beth
is mildly interested in you. |
| Randy: | Alright! She's mildly interested! Ha! [Tim enters] |
| Brad: | They're gonna come over after school and we're gonna hang together.
And if she likes you, she's gonna give Ashley "the nod." |
| Jill: | "The nod?" |
| Tim: | You remember "the nod." [Tim starts nodding, pursing his lips] |
| Jill: | Oh right. "The nod." [Jill joins Tim nodding] |
| [Brad and Randy just look at them, speechless] |
| Brad: | Do you guys know how stupid you look? |
| [Tim and Jill just continue nodding; yes they do. Brad turns back to Randy] |
| Randy: | I can't believe Beth's coming here. [Randy gets up] What if I don't
have anything to say to her. [Brad and Randy walk towards the hall] |
| Tim: | Just sit there talking about yourself the whole time. Women love that. |
| [Brad and Randy go upstairs] |
| Jill: | Surprised you didn't tell them to "burp for Beth." |
| Tim: | Huh, gotta save something for the second date. [Jill laughs] What's
cooking? |
| Jill: | It's, uh, gumbo. |
| Tim: | [Disappointed] Ohhh. |
| Jill: | Al's recipe. But of course, I added a few things of my own. Y'know, I
thought that Al was really good on that show today. [Tim picks up a
beer from the counter and drinks from it] |
| Tim: | What did you think of me? |
| Jill: | [Short pause] Well, well, for a guy who... doesn't know anything about
cooking, I thought that you came across as a guy who doesn't know
anything about cooking. |
| Tim: | That's why I'm not doing it anymore. |
| Jill: | Oh, that makes sense. |
| Tim: | Al thinks the reason I won't do this is cuz I can't stand not being
the center of attention. |
| Jill: | That makes more sense. |
| Tim: | I don't always have to be the center of attention. Our wedding. I let
you walk down the aisle by yourself. |
| Jill: | While you were making shadow puppets on the pulpit! [Tim drinks from
his beer] Can I have some salt, please? [Jill points to the cupboard
and Tim gets the salt] Now, see, this is your problem, Tim. You cannot
be in front of a group of people without being the center of
attention. That's what you did on Al's show today. I need the pepper,
cayenne. [Jill points and Tim gets the pepper] |
| Tim: | I just can't help it. You know how hard it is for me to stand in front
of people and not make them laugh? |
| Jill: | Well you did a pretty darn good job of that today. [Tim sprinkles the
pepper into the pot] "Okra-homa?" |
| Tim: | "Arken-slaw" was funny. [Jill looks at Tim] |
| Jill: | Can I have that celery? [Tim goes and gets the celery] |
| Tim: | I'm just not cut out to be somebody's assistant. |
| [Short pause. Tim hands Jill the celery] |
| Jill: | You have been "assisting" me this whole time, making the gumbo. |
| Tim: | [Stops and thinks] Oh. [Short pause] I could do that. |
| Jill: | Look, all you've gotta do is do your homework. Then, when you go and
help Al tomorrow, you'll be in much better shape. I tell you what, I
will sit down and I'll tell you everything I know about cooking. |
| Tim: | Okay. [Tim tastes the gumbo and pulls a face] I think I'd better get a
cookbook. [Jill looks annoyed] |
| | |
| Cut to the family room, later. |
|---|
| [Brad is sitting on the armchair with Ashley perching on the arm. Randy and
Beth are sitting on the couch. They are all drinking lemonade. Beth puts
down her drink, so does Randy. They try to think of something to say] |
| | |
| Beth: | This is very good lemonade. |
| Randy: | Thanks. My mom made it. |
| Ashley: | Um, y'know, Beth, Randy's a really funny guy. |
| Beth: | Really? I like funny people. |
| Brad: | Yeah, Randy, huh. Say something funny. |
| [Randy can't think of anything funny to say. The other watch him, waiting] |
| Randy: | Uh... Okay... I gotta joke. [Randy moves closer to Beth] What do you
call bad lemonade? |
| Beth: | What? |
| Randy: | Lemon-lemonade. [Beth looks confused. Randy looks to Brad. Ashley and
Brad start laughing, falsely] |
| Beth: | I don't get it. |
| Randy: | Man, that's the last time I use one of Dad's jokes. [Randy drinks
from his lemonade again. Jill enters the kitchen] |
| Jill: | Um, would anybody like a homemade sugar-cookie? |
| Randy, Beth, & Ashley: | Yeah. |
| Brad: | I would, please. [Jill brings over a plate of cookies] |
| Jill: | Are you enjoying the lemonade? |
| Randy, Beth, Brad, & Ashley: | Yeah, thanks, it's great. Very good. Thanks Mrs.
Taylor. |
| Jill: | Beth! Um, I think I met your parents at Back To School night. Your
mother, er, is the, um... |
| Beth: | Aerobics instructor. |
| Jill: | Oh, yeah. I remember her. [Jill takes a bite from a cookie] |
| Beth: | These are really great sugar-cookies. My mom doesn't keep sweets in
our house. She says they make you fat. |
| [Jill looks at the cookie she's eating and smiles] |
| Jill: | Well, if you guys need me, I-I'll be upstairs doing stomach crunches. |
| [Jill walks upstairs, leaving the cookie. Randy tries to think of something
to say. Randy picks up the plate of cookies] |
| Randy: | Beth, another cooker-snoogie? I-I mean a booger-cookie. [Beth still
has a cookie. Brad and Ashley put their heads in their hands and
shake their heads. Randy pulls on his top] Is it hot in here? [Short
pause] I'll be right back. [Randy gets up and goes into the backyard.
Brad and Ashley get up and go upstairs] |
| | |
| Cut to the backyard. |
|---|
| [Randy shuts the door and looks back at Beth] |
| | |
| Randy: | [Sighs] Oh man! [Randy scoops up some snow, makes a snowball and
throws it over the fence] Huh. I am such a dork. |
| [Wilson is in his backyard. The snowball hits the wall above Wilson's head] |
| Wilson: | Experiencing some adolescence angst, pre-teen Taylor? |
| Randy: | Oh. Sorry Wilson. [Randy walks over to the fence and looks through a
hole] |
| Wilson: | Hmm. |
| Randy: | I just made a jerk of myself in front of a girl. |
| [Wilson is filling a plastic tube with sand. The tube hides his face] |
| Wilson: | Well Randy Taylor, welcome to the tribe of men. |
| [Randy walks around the yard] |
| Randy: | I mean, I don't get it. I really like Beth but ever since she got
here, I've been saying really dumb things. [Wilson walks over to the
fence] |
| Wilson: | Well Randy, probably that's because you're sailing in unfamiliar
waters. I'm sure the first time Romeo met a girl, he probably said
some pretty dumb things too. [Wilson looks over the fence but can't
see Randy who is leaning against the fence] Hello? |
| [Randy sticks his hand up so Wilson can see it] |
| Randy: | Right here. [Randy puts his hand down again] |
| Wilson: | Oh. |
| Randy: | Did Romeo ask Juliet is she wanted a booger-cookie? |
| [Randy looks up and the camera pans up the fence from him to Wilson] |
| Wilson: | Hmm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hmm. Now, that is a gaff-and-a-half. [Wilson
chuckles to himself] |
| Randy: | Yeah. [Randy starts to walk around again] I mean, maybe I'm not cut
out for this romance stuff. |
| Wilson: | [Laughs] Well, [Randy closes the log box next to the fence] Randy,
when it comes to winning the affections of a young lady, you might
heed the advice of Thomas Herrick. [Ed: The quote is actually Robert
Herrick] [Randy's head pops up over the
fence - he's standing on the log box. Randy and Wilson are
face-to-face] |
| Randy: | What'd he say, Wilson? |
| Wilson: | He said, "To get thine ends, lay bashfulness aside. He that fears to
ask doth be denied." [Randy thinks about this] |
| Randy: | So what you're saying is, "No guts, no glory." [Short pause] |
| Wilson: | Well, very good young Taylor. Y'know, there are those among us who
wouldn't have picked it up that quickly! |
| Randy: | So I've gotta keep trying, huh? |
| Wilson: | Well, you may not have to try too hard. I think the lady's equally
smitten with you. |
| Randy: | What makes you say that? |
| Wilson: | Because ever since you came out back, she's been staring at you. |
| [Randy quickly turns his head and sees Beth resting her head on the back of
the armchair, gazing out at him through the window. When Beth notices that
Randy has seen her, she quickly turns around] |
| Randy: | Hmm. Thanks Wilson. [Randy gets off the box and Wilson hmms to
himself] Hey! |
| Wilson: | Hmm? |
| Randy: | What were the first words you said to a girl you had a crush on? |
| Wilson: | I believe they were: Hidy-ho good lookin'. |
| [Randy smiles] |
| Randy: | Thanks Wilson. [Randy walks off to go inside] |
| | |
| Cut to the "Cooking with Irma" set, recording, the next day. |
|---|
| [Al is wearing his flannel apron and a flannel beret. Al is leaning over
the hob] |
| | |
| Al: | As we all know, the French are the masters of the kitchen, and nothing
says "Bonjour" better than duck. [Tim enters the kitchen wearing a plain
apron but Al doesn't notice him as he's not expecting Tim] Now, the
first thing I'm gonna be needing is a large roasting pan. [Tim brings
the pan over as Al turns to get it but can't find it] |
| Tim: | It's over here. |
| Al: | But-it-I. [Al turns back but is caught off-guard] Ah, thank you, Tim.
I-I didn't think you were joining me in the kitchen today [Tim gives Al
the pan] |
| Tim: | Well, I'm your assistant. Where else would I be? [Al doesn't know what
to say] |
| Al: | Oh, well, er, great, ha. Thank you, ha. Okay, well, er, shall be-begin
by, by explaining how we're gonna dress our duck? |
| Tim: | How do you dress a duck? |
| Al: | Well, if it's formal, coat and tie! [The audience laughs] Now, once I
get finished stuffing the duck, I will be closing it up. [Al starts to
stuff the duck] |
| Tim: | And for that, I think you'll be using a poultry-lacer. [Tim picks one
up] |
| Al: | Actually Tim, I was thinking of using some "duct" tape. [The audience
laughs. Short pause] |
| Tim: | [In a deep, macho voice] I don't think so, Al! |
| [Tim laughs. Al looks at Tim] |
| Al: | Alright, er, well, well, Tim, d-uh, you wanna double check to see if
I've preheated our oven to 350 degrees. |
| Tim: | Okay, But I also read that you shouldn't overstuff your duck. When it
gets in there-- |
| Al: | --Tim, I-I've been doing this for years. I think I know what I'm doing. |
| Tim: | [Quietly] I'm just, saying it, probably, listen to me. |
| Al: | [Quietly] That's fine. [Tim goes over to check the oven] |
| Tim: | 3-50 on the dot. We've also moved our rack to the top level so the bird
will come out nice and crispy. [Tim opens the oven door and kisses his
fingers] Voila! Okay, we're all ready for the duck. |
| Al: | Okay. [Al's hand is stuck in the duck. Al tries to pull it out but
can't] |
| Tim: | Gotta get it before the heat goes out. |
| Al: | Yeah, I just, I, um, just making sure that is, is stuffed in there. [Al
is really tugging on the duck] |
| Tim: | Well, you want me to give you a hand? |
| Al: | Ah, I think I know what [Al starts to yank his elbow back] I'm doing,
Tim. [Al gives one last tug and the duck comes flying off with a pop
and goes through the door window. Al stands there, unable to move. Tim
goes over to the window, looks through and raises his arms. Al doesn't
know what to do. Tim turns to the camera] |
| Tim: | What's interesting, what Al's done here is actually to develop a new
recipe. Y-y-you've heard of "pheasant under glass," this would be
"quacker through the glass." |
| | |
| Cut to the family room, later that day. |
|---|
| ["Cooking with Irma" is on the TV. Tim is standing behind Al] |
| | |
| Al: | [On the TV] Join us tomorrow for our salute [Al and Tim salute. A cow
mooing is heard] to beef. [The "Cooking with Irma" theme music starts] |
| [Tim and Jill are sitting on the couch. Jill turns off the TV] |
| Jill: | Well, Tim, I'm very impressed. You see what a great second banana you
were? |
| Tim: | Yeah. It would've been a tragedy had that second banana split. [Short
pause] |
| Jill: | It's 5-30. I wonder where Randy is. |
| Tim: | [Yawning] Oh, he's probably with Beth getting more nods. [Short pause]
Like father, like son, y'know. [Short pause] |
| Jill: | What d'you mean by that? |
| Tim: | If you recall on our first date, you gave me the nod. |
| Jill: | Yeah. That was all you got. [Randy comes in] |
| Randy: | I'm home! |
| Tim: | Hey killer! |
| Randy: | Hey Mom, hey Dad. [Randy comes over to them. Tim sits up] |
| Tim: | Oh! How did it go? |
| Randy: | [Short pause] Well, we're past the nod stage. [Randy sits on the
couch next to Tim and put his feet up on the table] |
| Tim: | What? |
| Randy: | She gave me a kiss. [Short pause] |
| Jill: | Wha? |
| Randy: | Mom. |
| Tim: | [To Jill] What would you have done if I'd kissed you on the first date? |
| Jill: | Would've woken up! |
| [Tim holds up his hand to Randy] |
| | |
| CREDITS |
|---|
| | |
| [Outtake from the Binford Tools scene. Tim and Al slide in front of the
camera] |
|---|
| | |
| Tim: | Hi! Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant Al... [Al
salutes] Oh! [Tim and Al walk off again. They stand by the car,
laughing] |
| Al: | Oh! We got that out of the way. |
| | |
| [Outtake from after the first "Cooking with Irma" show. Al and Tim are in
the kitchen] |
|---|
| | |
| Al: | I see what it is. You're just jealous because now I'm the star. |
| Tim: | Oh, back the bread-basket up, buddy, you're just a substitute host for
a cable cooking show. [Tim and Al start laughing] I did that! |
| Staff: | [High voice] Tim! |
| | |
| THE END |
|---|
