Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Engine and a Haircut, Two Fights

Episode No# 121
Written by:
Jon Vandergriff
Directed by:
Andrew Tsao
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Kendall - Joseph Whipp
Episode begins at the "Tool Time" studio. Tim & Al are taping the show.
Tim: Welcome to Green Week here on "Tool Time".
Al: That's right. We're going to be demonstrating how you can use recycled material to build a beautiful home like this. [Al holds up a picture of a house]
Tim: The walls in this home are made out of recycled paper. The studs from recycled old cars. Studs from old cars. That clears up the mystery: I used to be a old car.
Al: Alright, well we're going to show you how you can use old tires and aluminum cans to build walls.
Tim: It's very simple actually you stack your tires like so. [Tim puts a tire on the stack] To stabilize them, put a little bit of dirt in there. Like that. [Tim pours some dirt over the tire and it falls through]
Al: Making sure to put, uh, aluminum cans in the holes before you put the dirt in.
Tim: Use light beer cans and your wall's less filling.
Al: You know, our friends in the animal kingdom have been using recycled materials to build their homes since the beginning of time.
Tim: How many friends do you have in the animal kingdom? Oh look, the hippo's coming over bringing that casserole I like. Oh look, we'll play charades with the cheetah.
Al: You know the african hornbill builds his own nest out of his own dung.
Tim: That's an interesting piece of news, isn't it?
Al: Umhuh.
Tim: That means when you go to his house you could actually say this without him getting mad, "Boy this house smells like --"
Al: Tim. Alright we're going to finish off our wall with adobe which is a mixture of sand straw and mud.
Tim: Just trowel her on.
Al: You can use a trowel you can use your bare hands.
[Al starts putting the adobe on with his bare hands. A caption appears, which reads, "What Al doesn't know is that Tim has added dung to the adobe." Tim makes a face at the camera]
Al: Ah, there's nothing like the, the feel of fresh adobe underneath your finger nails.
[A caption appears, which reads "What Tim doesn't know is that Al replaced the dung with real adobe." Al keeps putting the adobe on]
Tim: Pile it on Al.
Al: I might add that, for you ladies at home, adobe makes a wonderful mud pack for the face.
Tim: Why don't you show them how to do that, Al.
Al: I'd love to, Tim.
[Al throws the adobe in Tim's face]
[Opening Credits]
Cut to the garage.
[Brad is working on the hot rod. Tim enters the garage]
Tim: Brad, you don't need to take apart the flat head. We're not putting this old motor back in the new hot rod.
Brad: Dad, this engine's in a lot better condition than we thought.
Tim: It doesn't matter. I wasn't going to use it anyway.
Brad: What kind of engine are we going with?
Tim: I haven't decided yet.
Brad: You haven't decided for five months.
Tim: Well, I'm going to think about it. Putting the motor in a hot rod is the most important decision a man can make.
Brad: I thought marriage was the most important.
Tim: Well, marriage, engine in the hot rod. They'll be debating that till the end of time.
Brad: Well I still think we ought to use this flat head
Tim: Brad look. This is a serious hot rod. It's going to need some serious power buddy.
Brad: Power isn't everything.
Tim: Bite your tongue, Brad.
Brad: Dad this whole car is going to be retro. I mean we can still soup up this flat head and get plenty of power.
Tim: With a flat head we can't get the same horsepower as we can get out of a big block, 427, 454. Look, we've still got time to go down to Batton Performance to check out what they're doing down there, alright? [Brad looks at Tim's watch]
Brad: Aah I can't go now. I promised Mom that I would get a haircut.
Tim: Hey great. Hey, maybe this time you'll let the barber actually touch the scissors to your hair.
Brad: What are you talking about. Last time he took off almost a quarter-of-an-inch.
Tim: Quarter-of-and-inch. I've got more hair in my nose than that.
Brad: Would you stop bugging me Dad. I mean, it's my hair.
Tim: Yeah, but your hair lives in my house.
Cut to the kitchen.
[Brad goes into the kitchen and washes his hands. Tim follows him]
Brad: Why do we have to go through this every time I get a haircut.
Tim: We wouldn't have to if you'd get a decent haircut. Just get something more traditional, O.K?
Brad: Like yours?
Tim: Yeah. [Brad laughs] What's the matter with my hair?
Brad: You know I hate to tell you this Dad, but that look went out with those machines that used to play those round black things on them that spun.
Tim: Record player.
Brad: Aah [Mark enters]
Mark: Record player, we were just reading about that in our history class. [Mark gets a drink out of the fridge]
Cut to the living room, later that day.
[Jill is sitting at the table, working. Randy enters through the front door]
Jill: Hi how did the audition go? Should I call you Randy or Romeo.
Randy: Well until they make up their mind, you can call me Randio. [Randy comes over to Jill]
Jill: What does that mean?
Randy: Well they narrowed it down to three guys and the final auditions are on Tuesday.
Jill: Cool! That is so great! You're in the final three.
Randy: Out of the original four.
Jill: Well, I'm sure you're going to get it anyway.
Randy: I don't know. One of those kids has been the lead in all the school plays.
Jill: But I'll bet he doesn't come from a theatrical family. [Randy gets himself a drink from the fridge]
Randy: I hate to break this to you Mom, but "Tool Time" isn't exactly great theatre. Even though it does usually end in tragedy.
Jill: I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about me. [Randy sits down on the couch] I was the best Juliet ever at the Hockaday School for girls. I also was their best Othello. [Jill sits next to Randy on the couch]
Randy: I'm sure you were a very convincing black man. [Jill laughs]
Jill: I'd be happy to rehearse lines with you. [Randy laughs]
Randy: No offence Mom but if I'm going to play a love scene I'd rather not do it with someone who was around when the play was written.
Jill: I only hope that you look as good as I do when you're 350 years old. [Jill tickles Randy. Brad enters with his new haircut - short at the sides, and in a ponytail]
Brad: Hey, everybody. [Randy goes over to Brad. Brad turns arounds. Jill stands up, shocked]
Randy: I think I just found my Juliet.
Jill: Brad your hair is so uh...
Brad: It's cool, isn't it? You know, I was gonna go with my usual quarter-of-an-inch, but at the last second I decided to go with something [Brad sniffs] just a bit different.
Randy: And you got it. [Randy leaves]
Brad: You know Mom, I was a little nervous at first but, you know, I think this look's really working for me. [Brad goes into the kitchen. Jill follows him]
Jill: Yeah, yeah well. It's interesting, you know. It's short. It's long. It's got a tail. It's interesting.
Brad: You don't like it, do you?
Jill: No, no. I didn't say that, you know I-- it just takes some time to get used to it, you know, I'm getting used to it, I'm sure eventually that... I'll like it. Hehe... [Jill looks at Brad for a minute] I'm there, I like it.
Brad: Alright.
Jill: Who wouldn't like it? [Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: Hey everybody. [Tim hangs up his jacket]
Brad: Hey Dad.
Tim: [Tim notices Brad's hair] What the hell happened to you?
Brad: I got a haircut.
Tim: With what? A weed wacker?
Jill: Tim. [Tim looks at Brad's hair]
Tim: What is this thing?
Brad: It's a ponytail.
Tim: Why did you do that to yourself?
Brad: Well I-I went to the barber shop and I saw the picture and I thought it looked cool.
Tim: You look like an idiot.
Jill: Tim, just give it some time. You're going to get used to it.
Tim: I don't want to get used to it.
Jill: Yes, you do.
Tim: No, I don't.
Jill: Yes, you do.
Tim: I don't know, wait, I don't understand. None of your other friends have haircuts like this.
Brad: Well I mean you're the one that's always telling me not to be like my friends. I mean if all my friends jumped in a lake, would you want me to? [Jill looks at Tim]
Tim: With hair like this, I'd ask you to join in.
Brad: You're real funny Dad.
Tim: I'm not taking you down to the hot rod shop looking like that.
Brad: Just because of my hair?
Tim: You got it.
Jill: Tim, come on you promised you'd take him.
Brad: No, no, no, you know, Mom, I don't wanna go anymore. I mean, I don't give a crap about his hot rod or his stupid engine.
Tim: Don't talk to me like that.
Brad: Don't worry I won't be talking to you.
Tim: I won't be talking to you either.
Brad: Fine
Tim: Well double fine.
[Tim and Brad are yelling at each other]
Tim & Brad: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
[Brad goes upstairs. Tim walks over to Jill]
Jill: Well, that was mature.
Tim: Don't blame him. He's just a kid.
Jill: I was talking about you.
Tim: You like that haircut?
Jill: No, but it's no big deal. It's just hair.
Tim: He looks like Pebbles Flintstone.
Jill: Tim, what Brad is doing is perfectly normal for his age. He's just expressing himself. He's being an individual.
Tim: So how do we get him to stop?
Jill: Why are you getting so whipped up about something as unimportant as hair.
Tim: It's more important than you might think. You let him get away with that haircut, next thing he wants is earrings, earrings turns to tattoos, tattoos turns to crime, crime turns to jail and another bad haircut!
Jill: Well I'm glad you're taking the rational approach.
Tim: So you think we should just let him get away with whatever he wants?
Jill: No, I am saying that we should just pick our fights.
Tim: Well I'm picking this one. Your problem is you're too lenient because of the way you're brought up.
Jill: Lenient? Hello! I was raised in a military family!
Tim: Hello, during peace time.
Jill: Tim, my parents were so strict that none of us ever had a chance to express ourselves. As soon as I got out of the house I went wild.
Tim: Oh yeah, yeah. Your famous bra-less years. Whoa!
Jill: You know I did worse stuff than that.
Tim: It's not the same with boys. Boys, we need to be strict with them. If my mother hadn't been tough with me, I would have gotten in a lot of trouble.
Jill: You did get into a lot of trouble.
Tim: Yes, but even though I was in trouble I had a very neat and attractive haircut. [Tim goes up stairs]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the living room, later
[Randy is rehearsing with Jill]
"Farewell, farewell one kiss and I'll descend."
"Art thou gone so? Love, lord, ay, husband, friend!
I must hear from thee every day in the hour,
For in a minute there are many days --
Randy: Mom, do you think your Juliet might be a bit over the top?
Jill: Look acting is all about passion. You have to convey the passion to the back row of the theatre.
Randy: Well, with acting like that, you won't have to worry about the back row. The whole theatre will be empty.
Jill: O.K., O.K. One of my best qualities as an actress is I can take directions. So I'm gonna just, just take this down a notch and let's do it again.
Randy: Mom, can I remind you that I'm the one trying out for the play.
Jill: Yeah, yeah I know come on, come on, come on, come on.
"I doubt it not; and all these woes shall serve
For sweet discourses in our times to come."
[Tim enters from the garage]
"O God!!! I have an ill-divining soul!
Methinks I see thee, now thou art below,
As one dead! --
[Tim makes faces]
Tim: You know, me thinketh she stinketh. [Tim goes back into the garage. Jill looks at him]
Cut to the garage.
[Mark is helping Tim with the hot rod]
Tim: Ice-cold pop for my favorite son. [Mark comes out from under the car. Tim hands Mark the drink]
Mark: I'm your favorite son?
Tim: Well you're my last hope. My one son looks like a sumo wrestler and the other one is in there putting moves on his mother.
Mark: Dad, I hope you'll never get mad at me like you did at Brad.
Tim: I won't have to get mad at you like I got at Brad. You'll never come home with a haircut that looks like the back of Mr. Ed. [Tim starts measuring the hot rod. Brad enters through the outside door of the garage]
Brad: So you're measuring for the new engine? Obviously you're not listening to me.
Tim: I thought you didn't care about the hot rod, Brad.
Brad: I don't. If you want to mess up the hot rod by sticking in the wrong engine that's your business. You're not going to have any help from me anyway.
Tim: I don't need your help Brad.
Brad: Fine!
Tim: Well Fine!
[Tim and Brad start yelling]
Brad: Fine!
Tim: No Fine!
Brad: Double Fine!
Tim & Brad: Fine, Fine, Fine, Fine!
[Brad leaves, slamming the door]
Tim: [To Mark] Did I mention that you were my favorite son. [Mark looks at Tim]
Cut to the backyard, a little later.
[Randy is rehearsing with Wilson]
"...he bestrides the lazy puffing of the clouds
And floats upon the bosom of the air."
"Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name."
Randy: Aw, Wilson I got to tell you, you're a much better Juliet than Mom.
Wilson: Well, thank you young Randy. I wouldn't wanna disparage another actor but at the Greenville School for boys I was known as quite a breathtaking Juliet. And it wasn't easy playing a love scene opposite that pimple-faced Herman Dilbert. You know, I got nothing from him. It was like acting with a head of lettuce.
Randy: Wilson, could we.
Wilson: As you wish.
"Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.
[Jill enters from the house]
Jill: Well I guess I'm the one that's no longer a Capulet. Apparently I've been replaced?
Randy: No you haven't. I-I-I was just out here rehearsing with Wilson so I'd be good enough to rehearse with you.
Wilson: Jill I am so sorry. I had no idea I was usurping your role.
Jill: Oh come on, you've had your eye on this part all week.
Wilson: Now that is not true. Young Randy came out here and beseeched me to step into the role
Jill: You beseeched him?
Randy: I didn't beseech anybody. I don't even know what "beseech" means.
Jill: There is no way that Wilson's Juliet is better than mine. You know the Hockaday Herald, --
Wilson: Hmm. [Randy walks away]
Jill: -- said that my Juliet was so moving that they didn't even need Romeo.
Wilson: Aw. Well my school newspaper said that I was a "astonishing Juliet, a vision of budding femininity."
Jill: Oh please.
Randy: Girls. My audition's tomorrow. Who's going to help me?
Jill: I will, I will.
Wilson: I will.
"O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?"
[Jill gets the book out of Randy's hand]
"Deny thy father and refuse thy name."
"Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love."
[Randy puts his hands up]
"And I'll no longer be a Capulet"
[Randy goes into the house]
Jill: Ah,
"What's in a name?"
"That which we call rose."
"That which we call a rose."
Jill & Wilson:
"By any other name would smell as sweet;"
"So Rome--"
[Jill notices that Randy has left] So, Romeo? Yo, Romeo!
Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, later that day.
[Tim & Al are taping the show]
Tim: Welcome back to Green Week here on "Tool Time". Now we're gonna show you how to make your car more environmentally friendly, Al?
Al: That's right. First let's talk about how we can reduce those foul fumes that pollute the air.
Tim: You might help out by knocking off those breakfast burritos.
Al: Getting back to engines. Let's talk about the octane in your gasoline. Now if you're using premium, you may be using more octane than you need.
Tim: That's right. You're not getting anymore power, you're just polluting the air more.
Al: That's right. In most cases, 87 octane is all you'll need for proper combustion.
Tim: Speaking of combustion. Hold on a sec. Any of you guys out there blowup at one of your sons because he came home with a really bad haircut? [A couple guys put their hands up] Yeah, you.
Kendall: Yeah.
Tim: Do you feel like coming down here and talking about it
Kendall: Sure.
Tim: Come on, give him a "Tool Time" welcome, get the guy down here!
[The audience applauds. Tim walks over to Al]
Al: Tim, we're supposed to be talking about the environment.
Tim: Yeah, this is called hair pollution.
[Tim closes that engine set with Al inside it]
Al: Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim!!!
[Tim walks over to the other side of the set and pushes a couple of buttons on a panel and the interview area opens up]
Tim: My kid destroyed the environment of my house coming home with a psycho-barbie haircut. [Tim walks over and shakes Kendall's hand] O.K., who do we have here?
Kendall: My name is Kendall
Tim: Kendall, welcome to "Tool Time". Give him a round of applause and sit down over here, Kendall.
[Tim and Kendall sit down at the interview desk. Al walks past the window behind the interview desk]
Al: When you get back to engines, give me a call.
Tim: So Kendall tell us a bit about your boy.
Kendall: Well Cloyd is nineteen...
Tim: Cloyd?
Kendall: Well I wanted, er, Clam, the wife wanted Lloyd and we compromised.
Tim: You're kidding, right?
Kendall: No.
Tim: Alright, um. So tell us more about the haircut.
Kendall: Well, when he was fifteen, Cloyd came home with one of those punk haircuts --
Tim: Yeah.
Kendall: -- you know, the kind with those sticky spikes sticking out all over the place.
Tim: This is what you do: just grab him by the heels and use him to aerate your lawn.
Kendall: You're kidding, right?
Tim: Yeah. [Tim mouths "Wow"] O.K., so when he came home with a bad haircut, you -- I can tell by you -- you laid down the law, didn't you?
Kendall: I grounded him till he'd agree to get himself a normal haircut. Boy, was he mad at me.
Tim: But you got to get past that. The kid's gonna be mad at you, but don't worry about the kid being mad at you cuz you just want the best for him, you want him to grow up and be an upstanding citizen, someone you can be proud of, right?
Kendall: Well, that's right Tim.
Tim: So he's nineteen now. The years have passed. How's Cloyd doing now?
Kendall: Well it's kind of hard to say. I haven't heard from him since he shaved his head and joined that cult.
Tim: Huh?
Kendall: Yeah, but the wife says they even gave him one of those silly names, now he's Baba-Ram Cloyd.
Tim: [Tim laughs] You're kidding?
Kendall: What do you think?
Tim: It's getting pretty darn hard to tell right now.
Kendall: Well, unfortunately, I'm not kidding, Tim.
Tim: Well, we'll be right back with "Tool Time" after these messages from Binford Tools.
Cut to the kitchen, later that day.
[Jill is reading "Romeo and Juliet." Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: Honey, how's it going?
Jill: I've got a problem.
Tim: What's the matter?
Jill: Wilson's a more convincing thirteen-year-old girl than I am.
Tim: And you think you have the problem. Is Brad home?
Jill: Yeah, he's up in his bedroom. You're not gonna yell at him again are you?
Tim: No, calm rational discussion.
Jill: Well, what are you gonna say.
Tim: Well, first off I need him to help build the hot rod. It's our project. Second of all I don't want him shaving his hair, running off in a cult and calling himself Baba-Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong-Brad.
Cut to Brad's bedroom.
[Brad is lying on his bed, reading a magazine. Tim knocks on the door. The room is a mess]
Brad: Come in. [Tim enters]
Tim: Hey, Brad are you in here some place. Can we talk for a minute?
Brad: If it's about my hair, forget it.
Tim: It is about your hair. Now listen up. I've been thinking about it and I'm able to look past your hair. Right into your bald scalp. [Pause] That's O.K., if that's the look you're going for.
Brad: So what are you saying Dad? [Brad gets off his bed]
Tim: I'm saying wear your hair however you want it.
Brad: So you're really O.K. with it? [Brad sits at his desk]
Tim: I'm O.K. with it
Brad: Then why did you get so crazy about it in the first place?
Tim: Cuz I didn't like what I saw when I first walked in the house.
Brad: Well didn't you ever get a haircut that your parents didn't really like? [Tim sits down on the bed]
Tim: HHHHEEEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!!! [Tim removes the trophy he just sat on] I wanted to but, um, they wouldn't let me. At your age I would have killed to look like Ringo.
Brad: Who?
Tim: Ringo, Fab Four. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Brad looks at Tim] Let's move on.
Brad: So you're pretty much treating me the way your parents treated you then?
Tim: You know it just happens. Eventually you turn into your parents. I don't know what the deal is. One day you're going to turn into me.
Brad: Oh boy, I'm going to need a lot of medical insurance
Tim: I need some help measuring the chassis for the new motor. Can you come downstairs and help me out.
Brad: Yeah I guess, but I guess that means you're definitely going with the big block?
Tim: Yeah, I have to. Everybody's doing it, you know.
Brad: So if everybody jumped in the lake you would do it too?
Tim: [Grunts] Oh, yeah, yeah. Where have I heard this before?
Brad: Dad, we can still soup up the old flat head and get the power you want. I mean, look at this guy, [Brad shows Tim an article in the magazine] he has three hundred and fifty horse-power on that flat head. [Grunts] Oh, oh, oh.
Tim: And the retrolook might actually work for the hot rod.
Brad: See, it sounds pretty good.
Tim: Yeah, there's a place in Dundey. Motor City Flat Heads. We'll go over there and check them out. [Tim gets up]
Brad: Alright let's go. [Brad gets his jacket]
Tim: And when we get back, maybe you want to clean up your room up a little bit.
Brad: I just cleaned it.
Tim: It looks good. It's kind of chilly outside. I suggest you wear a hat, son.
Brad: Sorry Dad, I won't wear the hat, but, you know, I would be willing to stop by the barber shop.
Tim: You would?
Brad: Yeah, we could get you that Ringo cut you've always wanted. There's just one problem. We'd have to find a barber old enough to remember who that guy is. [Tim and Brad leave]
Cut to the hallway, Tuesday
[Jill is working on the computer. Mark comes past with his laundry]
Jill: Well I hope he gets the part. Don't you think it would be cool to see Randy as Romeo?
Mark: You know, I don't think it's cool to see Randy as Randy. [Mark goes upstairs. Randy enters through the front door]
Jill: Well, what happened? Did you get the part? [Jill goes over to Randy]
Randy: Well I...
Jill: You don't want to tell me because you're afraid I'm going to want to rehearse with you.
Randy: Will you?
Jill: Did you get the part?
Randy: I asked you first.
Jill: O.K., if you don't want to rehearse with me you don't have to.
Randy: I got the part. [Randy runs up the stairs and Jill runs up after him]
Jill: Oh, please, please, please! Let me rehearse with you. I promise I'll be better this time!
[Outtake from a kitchen scene]
Jill: Why are you getting all whipped up over something as unimportant as hair?
Tim: It's more important than you might think. Let him get away with the haircut, next he wants an earring. Earring turn to tattoos. Tattoos turn to crime. Tr-crime turns to kabich... [Babble]
[Jill laughs. Tim & Jill start dancing]
[Beep. Outtake from a "Tool Time" scene]
Tim: Welcome back to Green Week here on "Home Improvement". No, that would-- no, no that would be the name of the show that we do.
Al: [Al comes over to Tim] "Tool Time."
Tim: "Tool Time." "Tool Time."

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