The Long and Winding Road, Part II
Episode No# 202
Written by:
Carmen Finestra, Billy Riback
Directed by:
Jim Praytor
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor
| Cast | ||
|---|---|---|
| Tim Taylor | - | Tim Allen |
| Jill Taylor | - | Patricia Richardson |
| Randy Taylor | - | Jonathan Taylor Thomas |
| Brad Taylor | - | Zachery Ty Bryan |
| Mark Taylor | - | Taran Smith |
| Wilson | - | Earl Hindman |
| Al Borland | - | Richard Karn |
| Heidi | - | Debbe Dunning |
| Previously on Home Improvement... | |
|---|---|
| Dolly: | What! [Dolly runs down to the set, pushing Heidi back into the audience to get past. Sue & Dolly start fighting and pulling each other's hair] |
| Al: | That, that's not very lady-like. [Sue & Dolly continue fighting. Sue pulls off Dolly's hair, which turns out to be a wig. The audience start cheering. Tim & All try to separate them, and chaos breaks out on the set] |
| Heidi: | Somebody call security! |
| Cut. | |
| Tim: | If you're gonna turn this show into a three ring circus, I might just quit. |
| Morgan: | Sorry to lose you. You were a good man. [Morgan leaves. Tim, Al & Heidi are left speechless] |
| Cut. | |
| Jill: | Honey, um, a very prestigious colleague of Dr. Hanover has offered me a job in his family clinic in Bloomington. |
| Tim: | Must be a pretty screwed-up family if they have their own clinic! |
| Jill: | This is really an incredible opportunity for me. This man is amazing. |
| Tim: | You're serious about moving to Indiana? |
| Cut. | |
| Tim: | Don't forget my car's in the shop. So I'm gonna take your car and drop you guys off at school. |
| Brad: | Wait, what makes you think you can just take my car just like that? |
| Tim: | Because I paid for half of it, just like that. |
| Cut. | |
| Jill: | So, looks like we're gonna do this, move to Indiana. |
| Tim: | Yeah. You having second thoughts at all? |
| Jill: | No. You? |
| Tim: | No. No. |
| Jill: | I guess I'll feel better, y'know, when I make this call to Dr. Lee. Tell him I've decided to come. |
| Tim: | Yeah, I think you will. |
| Jill: | So, have a great "Tool Time" grand finale. [Jill & Tim kiss] |
| Cut to Brad's car. | |
| [Tim is driving, with Brad in the passanger seat and Mark in the rear] | |
| Tim: | You guys O.K. with this move to Indiana? |
| Mark: | Yeah, I think so. |
| Brad: | Well I'm totally depressed. |
| Tim: | This move's gonna be hard on all of us. It really will. |
| Brad: | Well, not about the move, Dad. I'm a little depressed my daddy's driving me to school in my car. |
| Tim: | We're talking about family; it's way more important than any car. [Brad looks at Tim] Well it's just as important as a car. More important than some cars. |
| Mark: | Dad, check the gauge. We're out of gas. |
| Tim: | Oh, don't worry about it. We've got plenty of gas to get you guys to school and me to "Tool Time." |
| Mark: | Dad, we're on empty. |
| Tim: | It's a fuel gauge. Empty doesn't mean empty; it's just a guide. Don't you know that? We've got ten miles left. And it's only five-point-three to get you to school, another two-point-six to "Tool Time," you add those together, you, um, [Tim tries to add them up on his fingers] you add them together, y'know, and, um, I don't know what it is but I know it's less than ten. [The car splutters to a halt] |
| Brad: | Well, that ten miles went by rather fast, huh? |
| [Opening credits] | |
| Cut to Brad's car. | |
| [Tim has got some more gas, and they are driving again] | |
| Tim: | Y'know, it just seems like yesterday you guys used to just sit in my lap and hold the wheel while I drove. |
| Brad: | Hey, don't get any ideas. |
| Tim: | Y'know, that's gonna be the hardest part about moving. So many memories. This is where you guys grew up. |
| Flashbacks... | |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [The boys are having breakfast. Tim comes over to them. From [3.15 "Reel Men"] | |
| Tim: | Group hug. |
| Randy: | Oh man! |
| Brad: | Dad, we're too old for this. |
| Tim: | You're too old for a group hug? Hmm, it's back to individual ones then. [The boys all run over to Tim for a group hug] |
| Montage. | |
| [Set to "Bad Boy" by Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine] | |
| [Scene of the boys and Tim working out in the garage. From [1.14] "For Whom the Belch Tolls"] | |
| [Scene of Randy pulling a face. From [3.13] "Slip Sleddin' Away"] | |
| [Scene of Mark holding a bra. From [5.14] "High School Confidential"] | |
| [Scene of Tim wrestling with the boys. From [3.20] "It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims"] | |
| [Scene of Brad rollerblading. Tim grabs the net he's carrying and pulls him back. From [1.11] "Look Who's Not Talking"] | |
| [Scene of the boys sat on chairs, staring at the fireplace. From [3.09] "Dollars and Sense"] | |
| [Scene of the family watching TV. Jill switches the channel to opera. The boys scream. From [1.05] "Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof"] | |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [The boys are sat at the table. Jill is making dinner. From [1.06] "Adventures in Fine Dining"] | |
| Brad: | Mom. |
| Jill: | What? |
| Brad: | Dad's cussing. |
| Tim: | I'm not cussing. |
| Mark: | He said a bad word. |
| Tim: | It wasn't bad. |
| Randy: | Yeah, he said hell and damn. |
| Tim: | I did not say damn. |
| Randy: | Now you did! |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [Tim is sat in an armchair. The boys are standing round him. From [1.13] "Up Your Alley"] | |
| Randy: | Hey Dad, I heard a good joke today. |
| Tim: | What was it? |
| Randy: | O.K. What did the moron have for breakfast? |
| Tim: | I don't know. |
| Randy: | This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast! |
| The montage continues. | |
| [The boys poke their heads around the kitchen cabinet, all dressed as Moe Stooge. From [3.06] "Crazy for You"] | |
| [Scene of the boys dancing in the living room with Ashley. Al watches them from the backyard. From [3.11] "Feud for Thought"] | |
| [Scene of Brad & Randy head-banging. From [4.02] "Don't Tell Momma"] | |
| [Scene of Jill & Mark in the kitchen, shaking bags of flour. From [6.04] "Burnin' Love"] | |
| Cut to Tim, Jill & Brad in the kitchen. | |
| [From [5.02] "The First Temptation of Tim"] | |
| Brad: | It's not that big a deal. I mean, I've had detention before. |
| Jill: | It's the first day of school! No-one ever gets detention on the first day of school. |
| Tim: | I wouldn't say no-one. |
| Cut to Randy & Mark's bedroom. | |
| [Randy is showing Tim his computer. From [4.08] "Quibbling Siblings" Note that in the original episode, Randy refers to the chip as an 030 rather than a 286] | |
| Randy: | Oh, it's gonna take a minute to boot up. I still have that old 286 chip on it. Y'know, not much power. |
| Tim: | Are you saying this thing needs more power? Let me open it up; I can make this thing go faster! |
| Randy: | Well why don't we just save you the trouble and throw it up against the wall? [Randy hands the laptop over to Tim] |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [From [4.21] "No, No, Godot"] | |
| Brad & Randy: | Oh man! |
| The montage continues. | |
| [Scene of Brad holding a severed head. He & Mark "pretend" to be scared. From [8.06] "Bewitched"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Brad chest-slamming. From [7.04] "Pump You Up"] | |
| [Scene of Mark in his goth make-up. From [7.15] "Say Goodnight, Gracie"] | |
| [Scene of Randy climbing into his locker at school. From [6.14] "The Karate Kid Returns"] | |
| [Scene of Brad imitating Tim dancing. From [6.18] "Something Old, Someone Blue"] | |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [Randy is arguing with Tim. From [7.02] "The Clash of the Taylors"] | |
| Randy: | Oh, so now you're telling me what I can and can't write? You're acting like some tyrannical fascist. [Randy walks away] |
| Tim: | [To Jill] Did he just call me a dinosaur? |
| Cut to the garage. | |
| [Tim is talking with Brad. From [6.01] "At Sea"] | |
| Tim: | Sex is, um, it's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens, you've gotta think car-cover! |
| Cut to the Randy's basement room. | |
| [From [8.11] "Home for the Holidays"] | |
| Jill: | Guys, will you clean up this pigsty. Now. |
| Brad: | Yeah, we'll get right on it. [Brad & Mark pick up some clothes. Jill leaves the room. Brad & Mark drop the clothes back on the floor] |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [Jill is looking at some photos. From [7.24] "Tool-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey"] | |
| Jill: | Ah, look at this picture of the kids. This is what, this is summer of 1991. Aren't they cute. [Jill hands the picture to Tim. Randy enters from the backyard, followed by Mark who is dressed as a goth and wearing sunglasses] |
| Randy: | Hey. |
| Mark: | Hey. [Brad follows and salutes at Tim. The boys disappear to their rooms] |
| End of Flashbacks | |
| Cut back to Brad's car. | |
| Tim: | Hey Brad, I'll take that, er, change for the gas money now. |
| Brad: | Oh, yeah. [Brad hands Tim some notes] |
| Tim: | And maybe next time you'll fill up the tank like I asked you to. I hope you learned something from this. |
| Brad: | Yeah, that the "E" stands for Empty and not Extra ten miles. |
| Tim: | I'll tell you one thing, if I'd built this car it'd have an extra fuel tank in it. |
| Mark: | dad, if you'd built this car we'd be taking the bus. |
| Brad: | If there's one thing Dad knows how to do, it's build a car, O.K? |
| Flashbacks... | |
| Cut to the garage. | |
| [Jill is sitting in the hot rod. Tim joins her. From [4.11] "Some Like It Hot Rod"] | |
| Tim: | This is the greatest gift you've even given me. |
| Jill: | I gave you three children. |
| Tim: | Yeah, but none of them came out this clean! [Jill laughs] |
| Montage. | |
| [Set to "Switchblade 327" by The Brian Setzer Orchestra] | |
| [Scene of Tim sitting on the hot rod frame, pretending to drive it. From [1.10] "Reach Out and Teach Someone"] | |
| [Scene of Brad lighting the firecutter. From [2.02] "Rites & Wrongs of Passage"] | |
| [Scene of Tim welding the hot rod frame while Jill tries to use her pottery wheel. From [1.21] "A Battle of Wheels"] | |
| [Scene of Tim unveilling the engine. From [2.05] "Heavy Meddle"] | |
| [Scene of Tim adjusting the cams. From [2.20] "Shooting Three to Make Tutu"] | |
| Cut to the garage. | |
| [Tim & Jill are sitting on the hot rod frame. Tim is pretending to rev the engine. From [1.10] "Reach Out and Teach Someone"] | |
| Montage continues. | |
| [Scene of Tim working on the engine. From [2.24] "Birth of a Hot Rod"] | |
| [Scene of Tim working on the engine. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| [Scene of Tim putting the key in the ignition. From [2.24] "Birth of a Hot Rod"] | |
| [Scene of Bob Vila pressing the gas pedal of his Hot Rod. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| [Scene of Tim hitting his head on the frame. From [2.21] "Much Ado About Nana"] | |
| [Scene of Wilson helping with the engine. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| [Scene of the engine running. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| Cut to the garage. | |
| [Tim & Mark are under the car. From [2.14] "Howard's End"] | |
| Tim: | Alright, under the car. Man territory. |
| Montage continues. | |
| [Scene of the front of the hot rod. From [4.01] "Back in the Saddle Shoes Again"] | |
| [Scene of Tim polishing the bodywork. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| [Scene of Tim polishing the windscreen frame. From [3.13] "Slip Sleddin' Away"] | |
| [Scene of Tim starting the car. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| [Scene of the exhaust. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| [Scene of Tim celebrating. From [2.24] "Birth of a Hot Rod"] | |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [Tim is sitting at the table with Jill. From [6.06] "Whose Car is it Anyway?"] | |
| Tim: | I'm addicted to cars. |
| Jill: | Well, duh. |
| Tim: | I'm thinking of checking into the Henry Ford Clinic. [Jill laughs] |
| Montage continues. | |
| [Scene of Tim & Al driving onto the "Tool Time" set in a tiny car. From [6.01] "At Sea"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Al standing in front of a car on a stand. From [5.18] "When Harry Kept Delores"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Al sitting in a hot rod on "Tool Time." From [6.09] "The Toolman Delivers"] | |
| [Scene of Tim unveilling the hot rod for his family. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| [Scene of Tim driving the car out of the garage. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| [Scene of Tim racing Bob Vila. From [3.25] "The Great Race II"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Brad choosing the new car to work on. From [4.14] "Brother, Can You Spare a Hot Rod?"] | |
| [Scene of Tim working under the second hot rod. From [4.24] "Sisters and Brothers"] | |
| [Scene of Tim working on the grill of the second hot rod. From [6.23] "The Feminine Mistake"] | |
| [Scene of Tim, Al & Sparky unveilling the completed second hot rod on "Tool Time." From [7.25] "From Top to Bottom"] | |
| End of Flashbacks | |
| Cut to Brad's car. | |
| Mark: | Dad, can we stop? I'm really hungry. |
| Tim: | How can you be hungry? Your mom just cooked us breakfast. |
| Brad: | Did you eat it? |
| Tim: | It was good oatmeal. |
| Brad: | It was scrambled eggs. |
| Tim: | It was bad scrambled eggs. |
| Brad: | Yeah, when I get married, I'm gonna make a woman prove to me that she's a good cook. |
| Tim: | Hmm, that's why you're gonna be eighty, alone and very hungry. C'mon, cooking has nothing to do with a relationship. Your mom and I have a good marriage because we share an honest mutual respect. |
| Flashbacks | |
| Cut to the backyard. | |
| [Jill hits Tim with a bag full of stuff. From [6.23] "The Feminine Mistake"] | |
| Jill: | How could you say that? |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [Tim is watching TV. Jill is looking through a folder. From [2.09] "Where There's a Will, There's a Way"] | |
| Tim: | Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth? |
| Jill: | No, but you bugged me during conception. |
| Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom. | |
| [Tim is sitting in a chair. From [3.20] "It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims"] | |
| Tim: | A little gas ball moving, moving. [Tim burps again and then stands up] Ahh. |
| Jill: | This is real attractive. |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [Jill is sitting at the table. From [5.09] "Chicago Hope"] | |
| Jill: | I just read this survey. It said that some couples no matter how busy they are still make love five times a week. |
| Tim: | With each other?! |
| Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom. | |
| [Tim comes over to Jill in bed. From [3.20] "It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims"] | |
| Tim: | Where were we? [Tim gets into bed] |
| Jill: | It's kind of hard to remember. |
| Tim: | This will refresh your memory. [Tim kisses her and then pulls back suddenly, stifling a vomit burp. Jill turns away] |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [Jill is working on her computer. Tim is sat next to her. From [6.20] "Communication Breakdown"] | |
| Tim: | Can't we just -- can't we just -- |
| Jill: | No. |
| Tim: | -- one time-- |
| Jill: | No. |
| Tim: | -- just think,-- |
| Jill: | No. |
| Tim: | -- think, think, -- |
| Jill: | No! |
| Tim: | -- think, think - wa-wa-wa what about-- |
| Jill: | No. No. |
| Tim: | -- home automated system! |
| Jill: | No! |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [From [3.01] "Maybe Baby"] | |
| Jill: | We never actually said that we weren't gonna have another baby. |
| Tim: | I've said it, I've talked about it, you know I've talked about it. I-I-I mention it on "Tool Time." |
| Jill: | Oh great, so eleven people know about it? |
| Tim: | Do you remember babies at all? Dirty diapers? [Jill smiles] Colic? 2 a.m. feedings, 3 a.m. feedings? I don't have the energy for that anymore. |
| Jill: | You don't have the energy to say "Wake up Jill, the baby wants you"? |
| Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom. | |
| [From [3.20] "It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims"] | |
| Tim: | Sorry, I'm sorry. Mark was right. Ohh. You shouldn't have double onions in your chilli-dogs... Hel-lo. [Tim wafts the bed covers. Jill gets out of bed] |
| [Commercial break] | |
| Cut to Brad's car. | |
| Tim: | Your mom and I have had our share of disagreements but in the end it doesn't matter, you know. Because one of us always apologizes. |
| Brad: | You? |
| Tim: | Yep. |
| Mark: | It's good then that you had Wilson here to help you out. |
| Tim: | Well, he's learned as much from me as I have from him. |
| Flashbacks | |
| Cut to the backyard. | |
| [Wilson is unrolling a hose. From [4.09] "My Dinner with Wilson"] | |
| Wilson: | Tim, would you mind listening while I ruminate? |
| Tim: | No, go ahead. Use the bush over by the gazebo. |
| Cut to the backyard. | |
| [From [2.18] "Bye, Bye Birdie"] | |
| Wilson: | There was a time when I thought my extensive research into ancient tribal cultures, obscure scientific data, the thoughts of great philosophers would never come in handy. Then you moved in. |
| Cut to the backyard. | |
| [From [1.09] "Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble"] | |
| Tim: | I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do I wanna make bigger and better. |
| Wilson: | Well Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women. |
| Tim: | [Grunts] Uh? |
| Wilson: | It's because we can't bear children. |
| Tim: | Ahh... I don't mind the boys that much. |
| Cut to the backyard. | |
| [From [8.07] "Not So Great Scott"] | |
| Jill: | Wilson, you're not making me feel any better. |
| Wilson: | Well excuse me! Why do I always have to be Santa's little helper? |
| Jill: | Well I-- |
| Wilson: | --I mean I have wants, I-I-I-I I have needs, I have issues, but does anyone ever come to the fence and say "Wilson, do you have a problem?" I mean no. [Wilson kicks over his basket of apples] It's just me, me, me, me. |
| Cut to the backyard. | |
| [From [5.07] "The Look"] | |
| Wilson: | Y'know Tim, I'm reminded of an old philosopher who once said "You have to give a little, take a little." |
| Tim: | Let your poor heart break a little. |
| Tim & Wilson: | [Singing] That's the story of, that's the glory of love. |
| End of Flashbacks | |
| Cut to Brad's car. | |
| Tim: | [A car honks] Hey they! I get recognized everywhere. |
| Mark: | Dad, he was honking because you took up two lanes. |
| Tim: | He was thrilled to see me. That's why he was waving his hand. |
| Brad: | Dad, that was only part of his hand. |
| Tim: | He was saying "Tool Time" was number one. |
| Flashbacks | |
| Cut to the "Tool Time" studio. | |
| [Heidi is standing in front of a monitor. From [5.02] "The First Temptation of Tim"] | |
| Heidi: | Does everybody know what time it is? |
| Audience: | "Tool Time!" |
| Cut to the "Tool Time" studio. | |
| [Tim & Al run to a Binford stand. From [3.19] "Too Many Cooks] | |
| Tim: | Hi, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor and you all know my assistant Al "This land is" Borland. |
| Montage. | |
| [Set to "Tool Time" music] | |
| [Scene of Tim crashing through the ceiling on pneumatic stilts. From [4.01] "Back in the Saddle Shoes Again"] | |
| [Scene of Tim firing an abrasive wheel from the end of a drill. Al catches it. From [4.24] "Sisters and Brothers"] | |
| [Scene of Tim falling through a roof. From [2.08] "May the Best Man Win"] | |
| [Scene of Tim riding a wooden horse into the camera. From [3.03] "This Joke's for You] | |
| [Scene of Tim doing lots of salutes. From [3.24] "Reality Bytes"] | |
| [Scene of Tim using a power sanding, which makes a hole in the floor. From [2.14] "Howard's End"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Al dressed in overalls. Tim is dancing. From [5.14] "High School Confidential"] | |
| [Scene of Tim reversing the "Tool Time" truck into a porch. From [1.16] "Jill's Birthday"] | |
| [Scene of Tim fencing with some dowell. From [3.04] "A Sew, Sew Evening"] | |
| [Scene of Tim using a router, which goes out of control. From [1.04] "Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof"] | |
| [Scene of Tim demonstrating an electric-powered sliding door, which shoots out of the frame. From [5.20] "The Bud Bowl"] | |
| [Scene of Tim demonstrating a TV which pops up out of a cabinet - and fires into the ceiling. From [6.16] "A Funny Valentine"] | |
| [Scene of Tim gluing his head to the table. From [1.15] "Forever Jung"] | |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [Tim enters with part of the table still glued to his forehead. From [1.15] "Forever Jung"] | |
| Jill: | Oh God! [Jill laughs] What is this thing on your head? |
| Tim: | It's, er, a little piece of table. |
| Randy: | What happened? |
| Tim: | Oh, mister negativity Al distracted me and I got my head cemented to this table. They had to take a, a sabre saw to get me off of the table. |
| Jill: | Don't you think you should go to the emergency room? |
| Tim: | I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority. |
| Jill: | Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill cracks up, laughing] |
| Cut to the "Tool Time" studio. | |
| [From [1.01] "Pilot"] | |
| Tim: | What do we need? |
| Audience: | More power! |
| The montage continues. | |
| [Scene of Tim running at the audience with a chainsaw. From [1.24] "Stereo-Typical"] | |
| [Scene of Tim grunting. From [2.04] "Groin Pains"] | |
| [Scene of Tim grunting. From [1.01] "Pilot"] | |
| [Scene of Tim grunting. From [1.15] "Forever Jung"] | |
| [From [1.04] "Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof"] | |
| Tim: | C'mon guys. [Tim and the audience grunt] |
| [From [2.11] "Abandoned Family"] | |
| Tim: | Jam it in the light. [Tim sticks a potato on the broken light and is electrocuted] |
| [Scene of Tim & Al with a mini. Al is looking at the engine. Tim taps him and Al is electrocuted. From [8.23] "Trouble-a-Bruin"] | |
| [Scene of Tim checking some wiring, and being electrocuted. From [1.17] "What About Bob?"] | |
| [Scene of Tim with a extending arm, which gets caught in the overhead lights. From [5.06] "Let Them Eat Cake"] | |
| [Scene of Al being electrocuted whilst Tim staples some aluminum sidings. From [5.23] "Mr. Wilson's Opus"] | |
| [Scene of Tim swinging a sledgehammer. His gloves come off and the sledgehammer flies into a wall next to Al & Heidi. From [7.20] "The Write Stuff"] | |
| [Scene of Al throwing Tim a bag of cement. Tim catches it and falls over. From [2.04] "Groin Pains"] | |
| [Scene of Tim trying to poke Al's goggles. Al blocks him. From [2.01] "Read My Hips"] | |
| [Scene of Tim launching a barbecue. From [7.01] "Quest for Fire"] | |
| [Scene of Heidi dancing. From [4.07] "Let's Go to the Videotape"] | |
| [Scene of Tim pulling a camera towards him with a magnet. Tim's face gets pressed against the camera. From [2.20] "Shooting Three to Make Tutu"] | |
| [Scene of Tim falling off a high-rise frame and landing in a toilet. From [3.09] "Dollars and Sense"] | |
| [Scene of Tim dropping a beam on Jill's car. From [4.02] "Don't Tell Momma"] | |
| [Scene of Benny's Aunt's house exploding. From [4.18] "A House Divided"] | |
| End of Flashbacks | |
| Cut to Brad's car. | |
| Brad: | Well, the one good thing about "Tool Time" being over is no more accidents. |
| Tim: | We still have a house. You know what they say, every year a hundred thousand accidents occur in the home. |
| Brad: | And ninety-nine thousand of those occur in our home. |
| Flashbacks | |
| Cut to the backyard. | |
| [Tim, Jill & the boys are getting ready to switch on the Christmas lights. From [3.12] "'Twas the Blight Before Christmas"] | |
| Brad: | Alright Dad, let her rip. |
| Jill: | No wait a minute, wait a minute. I think we should say a prayer first. |
| Tim: | Huh. |
| Jill: | Please Lord, don't let our house blow up. |
| Montage. | |
| [Set to "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba] | |
| [Scene of the stove bursting into flames. From [1.09] "Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble"] | |
| [Scene of Tim hitting his head on the basement pipe. From ] | |
| [Scene of Tim falling from the roof, suspended by a rope. From [1.04] "Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof"] | |
| [Scene of Tim reversing a riding lawnmower through the fence. From [1.02] "Mow Better Blues"] | |
| [Scene of the back of the dishwasher blowing out. From [1.01] "Pilot"] | |
| [Scene of Tim sliding down the banister. From [6.12] "No Place Like Home"] | |
| [Scene of Tim sitting up in the back of a truck. From [5.17] "Fear of Flying"] | |
| [Scene of Tim hitting Marty with a Christmas decoration. From [4.12] "'Twas the Night Before Chaos"] | |
| [Scene of the living room windows exploding. From [1.24] "Stereo-Typical"] | |
| [Scene of Tim falling off the roof. From [4.12] "'Twas the Night Before Chaos"] | |
| [Scene of Tim hitting his head on the basement pipe. From [1.05] "Wild Kingdom"] | |
| [Scene of Tim flying backwards into the garbage cans. From [2.18] "Bye, Bye Birdie"] | |
| Cut to the kitchen. | |
| [Tim is improving the dishwasher. From [1.01] "Pilot"] | |
| Tim: | Ground, we're looking for ground. Yellow, see, the sun is yellow, it heats the ground. That's how the name started. [Tim snips the yellow wire. There is a bang and a spark. The snippers fly backwards. Tim jumps up, his arm numb. Tim goes to the garage] Was that card right? [Tim goes into the garage and screams. Mark goes over to the garage. Tim comes out again] Ho. Shake it off. [Tim starts shaking his arm and dancing around. Mark joins in] Aw! Phew! |
| The montage continues. | |
| [Scene of Tim jumping out the way when the dishwasher explodes. From [1.01] "Pilot"] | |
| [Scene of Tim fixing the dryer. From [2.11] "Abandoned Family"] | |
| [Scene of Tim falling through the ice in Al's ice fishing shanty. From [3.15] "Reel Men"] | |
| [Scene of Tim blowing up the phone. From [6.19] "Communication Breakdown"] | |
| [Scene of Tim, Jill & the boys getting covered in snow whilst taking a Christmas photo. From [3.10] "A Frozen Moment"] | |
| [Scene of Tim breaking a window with a broom handle. From [2.18] "Bye, Bye Birdie"] | |
| Cut to the roof. | |
| [Tim falls off the roof. From [8.11] "Home for the Holidays"] | |
| Tim: | It's O.K. The ground seems to have broken my fall. |
| The montage continues | |
| [Scene of Tim crashing through the fence in a wheelchair. From [8.15] "Knee Deep"] | |
| [Scene of the snow machine crashing through a window. From [3.10] "A Frozen Moment"] | |
| [Scene of Tim holding a charged sausage. From [1.23] "Al's Fair in Love and War"] | |
| [Scene of Tim hitting his head on the basement pipe. From [5.08] "Room Without a View"] | |
| [Scene of Tim looks up from under his bed with a flashlight in his mouth. From [5.25] "Alarmed by Burglars"] | |
| [Scene of Tim in hospital, trying to put his socks on. From [6.21] "Insult to Injury"] | |
| Cut to the hospital waiting room. | |
| [From [3.13] "Slip Sleddin' Away"] | |
| Tim: | Y'know Marge, it's, it's kind of gratifying to be here in the hospital and not be a patient. [Marge laughs] |
| Buzz: | See ya, Toolman. |
| Tim: | Hey buddy. [Randy & Marge go through the waiting room door. The door swings back and hits Tim. Tim clutches his nose] |
| Marge: | Well, maybe you can have that feeling another day. |
| End of Flashbacks | |
| Cut to Brad's car. | |
| [They arrive at the school] | |
| Brad: | Hey, thanks for the ride Dad. |
| Tim: | You bet. |
| Mark: | Yeah, go get them at "Tool Time." |
| Brad: | Yeah, break a leg, huh? [Tim looks at Brad] Ah, y-you know what I mean. |
| Tim: | Hey guys, I probably don't say this enough to you two, but I love you guys. I'm really happy the way you guys turned out, y'know. You're smart, hard-working, honest boys. |
| Brad: | [Brad takes some more notes out of his pocket] Here's the rest of that gas money. |
| Tim: | I knew you were holding out. Get out of here. [The boys get out of the car] |
| Brad: | Later Dad. I love you. |
| Mark: | Have a good day Dad. |
| Tim: | You too. |
| Mark: | I love you. |
| Tim: | A lot of memories. |
| Flashbacks | |
| Cut to the gazebo. | |
| [Tim & Jill are sitting on the bench. They kiss. From [4.01] "Back in the Saddle Shoes Again"] | |
| Jill: | I'm perfectly happy being married to a man who thinks that PBS is something that women get once a month. |
| Cut to the kitchen. | |
| [From [5.16] "The Vasectomy One"] | |
| Jill: | Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubuligation. |
| Tim: | Says who? The Wives With Knives club? |
| Cut to the doctor's office. | |
| [From [5.16] "The Vasectomy One"] | |
| Tim: | A woman? You brought me here to see a woman? |
| Jill: | I didn't know she was a woman. My gynaecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town. |
| Tim: | How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in "man land?" |
| Jill: | "Man land?" Now you've got a theme park between your legs? |
| Cut to the kitchen. | |
| [From [3.20] "It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims"] | |
| Tim: | [They kiss] Demolition Derby. Ooh, Sexy Wife. [They kiss] Could you hold that thought 'til about ten o'clock tonight? |
| Jill: | Wait a minute, this thought here? [They kiss] |
| Tim: | Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. |
| Jill: | [Laughing] Hmm. |
| Tim: | That-that would be the one. |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [From [4.08] "Quibbling Siblings"] | |
| Jill: | What causes sibling rivalry? |
| Tim: | Having more than one kid! |
| Cut to the kitchen. | |
| [From [7.17] "Taking Jill for Granite"] | |
| Tim: | You fired the granite guy. |
| Jill: | Did you hear what I said? He came on to me. |
| Tim: | What did he say? You have a nice outfit or something? |
| Jill: | He kissed me. [Tim points to his mouth, not quite believing. Jill nods] |
| Tim: | W-w-what did you do? |
| Jill: | I p-pushed him away! |
| Tim: | Well you should have fired him! |
| Jill: | I did fire him! |
| Tim: | You fired the granite guy? |
| Cut to the living room. | |
| [Tim & Jill are sat at the table. From [4.07] "Let's Go to the Videotape"] | |
| Jill: | It's always been my fantasy to be with a man who enjoyed doing the same things I do. You know, like taking me to the opera, the ballet, the theatre. |
| Tim: | That's my fantasy too. |
| Jill: | Really. |
| Tim: | Hm-hmm. If I could find that man I wouldn't have to go myself. [Jill laughs] |
| Cut to the kitchen. | |
| [From [2.17] "You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts"] | |
| Jill: | Our wedding was so beautiful. I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you. |
| Tim: | Who would try to talk you out of marrying me? |
| Jill: | Oh, no-one, y'know, just my mom, my dad, my sisters, my family, the minister, the postman, some guy down at the mailbox. |
| Montage | |
| [Set to "We've Got It All" by Kenny Rogers] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Jill lying in bed. From [7.07] "Jill's Passion"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Jill hugging in the garage. From [1.06] "Nothing More Than Feelings"] | |
| [Scene of Jill wearing a bridesmaid dress. From [6.18] "Something Old, Someone Blue"] | |
| [Scene of the boys in the backyard. Mark is muddy. From [2.10] "Let's Did Lunch"] | |
| [Scene of Jill exercising in the living room. From [1.16] "Jill's Birthday"] | |
| [Scene of Tim taking a cigar from Jill, and then kissing her. From [1.22] "Luck Be a Taylor Tonight"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & the boys posing in the garage. From [1.14] "For Whom the Belch Tolls"] | |
| [Scene of Tim cleaning up in the kitchen. From [7.17] "Taking Jill for Granite"] | |
| [Scene of Tim suspended from the roof by a rope. Jill pulls him over to her and kisses him. From [1.04] "Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof"] | |
| [Scene of Brad play-fighting with Tim in the garage. They hug. From [2.02] "Rites & Wrongs of Passage" ] | |
| [Scene of Brad & Mark saying goodbye to Randy at the airport. From [8.02] "Adios"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Jill kissing. From [4.03] "Death Begins at Forty"] | |
| [Scene of Tim sneaking up on Jill. From [5.20] "The Bud Bowl"] | |
| [Scene of Mark hugging Jill. From [1.08] "Flying Sauces"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Jill kissing through the glass cabinet door. From [3.18] "The Eve of Construction"] | |
| [Scene of Randy counting out the fish. From [2.14] "Howard's End"] | |
| [Scene of Tim pulling Jill into the garage. From [1.21] "A Battle of Wheels"] | |
| [Scene of Tim comforting Randy. From [5.22] "The Longest Day"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Brad sitting on the couch. From [8.14] "Home Alone"] | |
| [Scene of Tim pulling the table cloth from the table. From [2.16] "Dances With Tools"] | |
| [Scene of Tim, Jill & Randy hugging. From [5.22] "The Longest Day"] | |
| [Scene of Jill & Randy hugging. From [8.02] "Adios"] | |
| [Scene of Jill comforting Tim. From [6.12] "No Place Like Home"] | |
| [Scene of Tim wrapping Jill in the table cloth and then dancing. From [2.16] "Dances With Tools"] | |
| [Scene of Tim pulling off his overalls to reveal a tuxedo. From [3.20] "It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims"] | |
| [Scene of Tim & Jill dancing in the backyard. From [1.03] "Off Sides"] | |
| [Commercial break] | |
| Continued in "The Long and Winding Road, Part III" | |
We've Got It All Lyrics
It's hard to say goodbye,
You're much more than a friend,
When good times become memories,
They never really end,
Like ancient rites of passage,
It's time to carry on,
We caught lightning in a bottle,
As we went along.
We've got it all,
Wouldn't change a minute,
We've got it all,
Never will forget it,
As years go slipping by us,
You know we will recall,
These times we've found together,
We've got it all.
Long goodbyes,
Never suited you and me,
You know if God is willing,
We'll go on eternally.
We've got it all.
